At this point, I find it so much easier to drop the rope. I could care less about H and what he is/isn't doing. You want a divorce? You got it.
I would really like it if he would move out to give me some space. Prior to being served, I remained optimistic and viewed most of our encounters as opportunities to improve our relations. But now, I just want to get as far away from him as possible. Is the attitude change steeped in bittnerness? Perhaps. But perhaps this is what I need to feel in order to endure.
Another way to look at it is dropping the rope and improvements in my shouldering too much responsibility for the well being of the relationship.
What I do know is I do not want to entertain any more discussions about the relationship. Like none. We haven't had many since BD and since being served it was only that night that we talked about the relationship. But should he bring it up, I need to find a way to politely refuse to have the conversation. It is a trigger for me, the discussions go nowhere, and only serve to fuel his justifications. Something I am absolutely unwilling to do.
Besides, at this point, what good does it do me? I am not being heard; he is not listening, not validating, and only criticizing, demeaning, deflecting, and denying. From now on, if he wants to do something, but it doesn't serve my needs or goals, then I won't agree to it. "That doesn't work for me" is going to be my new mantra.
I'm not confident he will ever wake up out of this. I cannot see him ever wavering; even just a little. He is so entrenched in his beliefs and finds it so easy to point the finger at me, while only taking responsibility in a way that paints him as a martyr. It is difficult to imagine how anyone this far deep can find their way through.
At times I am sad, others times I am mad, and sometimes even indifferent. Sleep sometimes eludes me and when I am able to sleep, it is often in short spurts. I went thought this at BD and felt better over time so I am confident I can muddle through this.
More than just mourning the loss of the marriage, the relationship that I thought I had, and the person I believed H to be, I am heartbroken over the impact this will have on S. I am mourning the loss of the future I envisioned with him.
I felt like I moved heaven and earth to bring him into the world, I wanted him so badly and he is now here; only to be taken from me. It is a cruel twist of fate. So very cruel. I know H has his reasons and in his mind they are valid, reasonable, and logical. He can have them. God knows I just want my son.
So to end my overly long post, I pose a question - how can I politely refuse to engage H in any relationship issue discussions should they come up. I would like to do it gracefully, but firmly.
