The high road: rocky with a great view

[ciluzen]

Bttrfly, I apparently lost my long reply to you. I'd love to hear what your sitch is, but understand it sometimes takes a bit to wrap your mind around it. I'm sorry you're struggling with it. I know you'll work through it and come out with even more wisdom soon. I won't cut-off, but I'm going to have to force an extreme effort to let things go after this. Or I'll lose my head.

My piece (and peace) I lost yesterday was that XH called to apologize as I was getting ready for school. I was not prepared to talk and was in a hurry, so I ended up dwelling on what he said all day and didn't sleep well last night. School is fine so far, by the way. Lots of reading.

Basically, he realized that there had been changes made to the house and he assumed I would be hurt when I saw them (a new piece of furniture, the dock was painted, other changes) so he made the decision to tell me no...to protect me from being hurt, and thus ended up hurting me. I sense a pattern, here.

He explained that he realized that it was really not his decision to make and that was my home, too, and that he's never denied anyone entrance to that house. It wasn't fair to do that to me.
So, I told him he had every right to tell me no...it is HIS house. He reiterated that at one point it was mine, too. Here's where I needed a tall STFU smoothie. I was honest...I said it was never my house. That, as I see it now in the clarity of hindsight, his decision to purchase that house was the first time he did not treat me as his partner.
His response was to "agree" and say, yeah. Its the first time I didn't let you tell me "no".
My response was to tell him I had never told him "no"...I just wanted to give my opinion and voice my concern that we couldn't afford it. But that I loved to go there and enjoy it and do work on it after the decision was made. But that it increasingly hurt to have to share it with someone who had his attention more than I.
It led to a mini-R talk (not so much from me). Which led to him saying "we've been over this before". That's his cut-off.

Basically, I realize that he's working on himself and who he is. Almost dying (he was close) has probably given a new wrinkle to his thought process. He felt it necessary to revisit the "being used" by others bit, but has changed his thoughts to the idea that those people also enjoy him. That he is a like-able person (I agreed...he is). And that he liked people (went on to list a bunch of people I didn't know and activities he's done with them. He's hanging out with a lot of people with kids in middle and highschool. I'm jealous, I'll admit. I love children, too.

Then he said I hate people. (sound of brakes screeching)

Um. I don't. I'm shy...I'll admit that. I would lock myself in a room or avoid doing fun things with "the group" when the feelings of watching he and Bubbles interact got too overwhelming, but I was friendly otherwise. With everyone. Once again, I think he's confusing me with his mom. She really did dislike EVERYONE. He would always dismiss certain things she said with, "well she doesn't like anyone...not even my dad. Not sure if she really likes me or my brothers, either." So, projection again. I can't fight that, other than to deny it or debate it. I just don't have the energy.

He left off with telling me how he debated on who to call when he needed to go to the ER and that I was "on the list". That I was always on the list. That he would hope that I would call him if I was in an emergency sitch, because he'd drop everything to be there. I told him, "but you didn't do that for me...you called our D". He repeated that I was on the list. I wonder how many others are there?

He hoped that I would always know that I could borrow the truck or call if I needed help, but that he wanted to have me affect his life as little as possible and that he wanted to have as little effect on mine as possible.

So here I am dwelling on it. I think I'm going to have to figure out a way to not use his help at all, even though its there. His words are there to push me away gently, but I'm not so sure about his actions. I really need some distance.