In regards to your anecdote and my messy M tapestry: so what I think you are saying is the stats around infidelity are not clear (black and white) because we don't know how it is measured. Plus, and pretty obviously, are people really honest about it? Ha. NO! So here is my glass is half empty response (because I am a total pessimist): if infidelity is very common (which I gathered from the Ted), well that depresses me because I am forced to accept that people don't value monogamy in the way I do. Are there less people in the world that are trustworthy and loyal? On the flip side, if her data on infidelity is skewed and it is far less common that I thought, well then that bums me out because my H is more of a dirtbag than many other men. It's just a lose-lose anyway you spin it.
Is there a third way? And I am going to ignore those people that cheat who had no reason to do so. Who are selfish perhaps. Who are just out for their own pleasure. But it seems many of us here who have had WW or WH recognize that we had our own flaws. We didn't provide what our S needed. I personally try to think of OM as someone who was there for my W when she didn't feel she could come to me. Does it hurt? Yes. Do I feel betrayed? Yes. But is OM not being in the picture mean that we have a great M? Nope. We would have probably kept going on and on until one of us (probably W) actually left.
So in my case I cannot fully see my W as a dirtbag for cheating.
It really [censored] we don't get training in how to "do" relationships. It's common because none of us know what we are doing and unhealthy thoughts, emotions and behaviors will continue because we never adjust.
