I'm just fighting with accepting it's over and there's no hope.
Then you're not DBing. There's always hope.
Instead, focus on accepting what is and letting go of the M that was.
Quote:
I'm comparing this to last time and it seems more hopeless to me. That's why I'm spiraling today. The reality of my new life.
The reality of your new life might feel shocking and take some getting used to. That's okay.
But you're spiraling because you're trying to predict and feel a sense of control over what is going to happen. That's why you keep posting about what H's actions mean (even in the meta form when you're saying it's the second time.)
T0, you can't control this. You can DB perfectly and have it not work out. You can not DB and have it work out. But what DB does is get you back and happy with yourself and your life, and clear the path back home.
It's not a guarantee because there's another person involved. Them's the breaks.
Quote:
I don't act like this in front of H....This place really is my outlet.
I believe you. But what I'd like to see is a shift from worrying about what H is or isn't doing and what it all means to you thinking about you and what does and doesn't make you happy.
I've posted previously that means working to break your habits.
I also suggested posting on someone else's thread and giving advice. You're quite a prolific poster, but it's only about your situation. Giving back to the community will help others and it will help YOU, by getting you out of your head and helping you see the bigger picture.
Any idea that you shouldn't give advise is nonsense. You're a smart woman, and it's a great deal easier to apply DB to someone else's life without the emotional attachments.
Quote:
I jut want someone to tell me what to do how to interact and how to let go.
You're doing it. And, as I said above, if you start applying DB to others situations, it will help you be in the right frame of mind to handle the day to day with H without doubt.
Quote:
I know that's all unrealistic by the way. But that's where my mind is. I want everyone to tell me what move I should make and when to make it.
I'm glad you recognize it's unrealistic.
T0, you are strong. You have three children and you're getting a degree that taxes your mind, heart, and soul. You can do this. You can get yourself to a point where you are detached and focusing on yourself and your life, and you know you'll be okay with or without H. I hope you can get yourself to a place where you imagine that maybe your future is with someone else who isn't so keen on letting you go. Maybe that will be H. And he's not going to know the value of what he's let go of until she realizes it about herself and begins acting accordingly.
Quote:
I'm so afraid to do more damage.
Again, when in doubt, do nothing. With H, be calm and pleasant, but don't do anything resembling pursuit. Shut down any attempts at R talks, as they are just him trying to make himself feel better and secure you as a plan B. It's not the time to talk about R.
You seem pretty good at the outward stuff. I think why you're struggling is the disconnect between the outward and inward.
Even if H comes back, it doesn't solve your problems, T0. He's not the answer. You are. Your anxiety, your feeling of being worthless without him, your fear to be on your own... those are things that are holding you back in life. My impression of you - and this could just be because it's early on - is that you feel you NEED H. You don't just WANT him. You need him. And that's going to stifle any relationship if you don't work on what is the background cause of you feeling that insecurity about your worth.
I would love it if H turned around and turned into the man you needed him to be. And, yes, it is possible the second time, too. However, it's clear that he has something going on inside of him that causes him to leave. He surely is dissatisfied with some things, and those are valid, but there is more happening with him that he doesn't see. Given this, I don't think this will turn around quickly, and I think you should be wary if it does. H has to feel grief of his own and do some soul searching to ever make true changes, and that won't happen until limerance with OWs are over, and he feels he may have lost you.
Feeling like he lost you cannot come from you being angry and rejecting. It comes from you moving on with your life and being confident in your own skin. Think of how focused H is on his needs and his happiness; what would happen if you did the same? Good things, I think!
