Count on ups and downs (III)

[WillDo]

I can't express how grateful I am for your update. I will read over and over again. Interestingly had a tough discussion today. Mainly put into action on being more assertive.In summary, she complained about the past and even of recent events which leaves me puzzled. As has been said to me, she is not trying to hurt me. She is unhappy and trying to find happiness.

Acceptance is not there. I can feel it. Trouble is Resistance is there. And what you are advising or maybe I am adding up what I hear/feel is that I am resisting to her decision. That I need to let go.

Knowing depression, I can feel how my updates might seem low. My apologies. Well that is what W had to cope with possibly. But I came a long way with mindfulness and lithium. That is the only reason how I continue to cope. Otherwise I would be clinically depressed. And as I said before my psychiatrist had advised to show anger to not get to the depressed state. The danger is being aggressive but keeps you more sane. I am saying these because there may be people out there who are lost.

Coming back to journalling.

Oh we discussed but I talked more this time. She is confused on how to leave. And blames me for not agreeing to go to the other house. She now says it will be too far. Said let's rent it out and she takes the money to fund another rental flat. The conversation flow towards saying that she can get me kicked out of the house. Stating also that the house belonged to both of us and then she said she wanted both places to be sold. Blame me of not being considerate. Said I earned more and I could afford moving out. Said I would be more happy and free. At one point she asked about the conversation and pictures I had caught her with OM but I said I will not discuss it again (she keeps denying).She blamed for leaving the house to work abroad. I reminded her that she agreed to it. Blamed me for my illness and me doing everything halfway. I told her that I apologies for my wrong doings and yes it was an illness and a struggle. I survived and gave prosperity.

Divorce. Under the law of the country we were married, she keeps saying that she will accuse me of something to get the ball rolling. That would make it dirty. I need to read into these more but again. She keeps threatening me and drawing me as the bad husband. In her works everybody around her is happy. I said really? Lots of our friends got a divorce. What makes you say that? (I know: OM divorced twice and can do what ever he wants. He is her role model)

I am trying to capture what happened but I left it saying that if she is talking about separation, I said we already are living in different rooms and having different lives.

I will read your update again roist.

Good night!