It is interesting that you say "I don't feel like we can have an authentic rebuilt marriage unless we're both all-in and 100% vulnerable." I have thought the exact same way all along. I just can't get there with him. I wonder if my feeling that way is what holds me back tho, or maybe I am just not there yet?
Don't beat yourself up over this feeling. I know exactly how that feels. I had even told my wife that I'd never fully trust her again and could never be 100% vulnerable with her again. I came to figure out over time that my M was doomed to failure if I stuck to these guns. I have to take a leap of faith, hand her a dagger and expose my heart to her. That's the only way this works. My safety net is knowing that if she takes the dagger and plunges it into my heart sometime in the future that I've already been there, done that, and know two things for sure. 1. I'll survive and 2. I'll move on and be just fine without her.
If you truly believe those two things about your sitch then you'll find the strength to go all-in and be vulnerable again. If you're not ready then you're not ready. Explain that to hubby and ask for patience. After all you've been through, that's not much to ask for.
