Here again part 8

[cadence]

I feel like I'm not doing good. I'm just here at the house I say hi and other than that we don't interact.

Doing nothing is better than doing something. If you can't manage lighthearted detachment, then not doing anything is fine. You do not want to provide him anything to work with in building a case to D.

know I need to stop snooping... I feel like I'm just tying to protect myself from being blindsided.

You can't protect yourself from being blindsided by H or by life. And all it does is keep you miserable. What you find never makes you feel better. Never. Even if you find nothing, you walk away feeling bad.

So, stop snooping. That's it.

I have read others stories and read my own which was painful but I am feeeling as if I'm not in a place to offer any type of advice.

Yes, you are. Do you know why I like offering advice? I like helping people, but also it helps me see the big picture. I'm detached from the scenario, and I can see what would be helpful for that person to achieve their stated goals. And that then allows me to have that as second nature in my own mind, so it helps me, too.

Go find at least one other person's thread and give them advice, T0. It's time to reach out to something bigger than yourself and your situation. It will help others and it will help you and there is zero downside.

I just feel like there's no way he can come back twice

How do you explain that very same thing happening to others? T0, how much have you read on MLC? Did you know it often involves fits of going and staying until it finally sticks, because it is a process happening within the MLCer? It has nothing to do with how much they love their spouse, just whether they can tolerate emotional intimacy with another person. It is my belief that the A's, which are usually A down, happen because they want to a) feel alive via limerance, b) feel powerful by getting their ego fed, and c) be with someone whom they cannot get too close.

My life consists of caring for the baby my boys going o school and coming home cooking dinner getting the house in order and watching a movie with the kids. That's my life. Unless it's my day off then it's some homework and then I take the boys to do something.

That's okay, T0. Many people would long for that life. I'll never have kids, and I feel envy that no matter what happens with H, you've got your kids. I envy you. I don't envy what it takes to be parent to kids - I know it must be exhausting. But please try to remember that not everyone has what you have, and even if it feels like less to you, it's still full of blessings.

I just feel hopeless and lost. I'm not going to say anything or act on these feelings but I feel so alone.

I'm sorry, T0. But I also want you to look at the bigger picture here and remember that you are grieving and these feelings are natural for someone who is grieving.

You can't avoid grieving. It is what it is. And I know it's little consolation to you, but growth happens during these low moments. You need to let them happen to move forward from them.

I feel so sad that he doesn't love me anymore.

I'm sorry you feel this way. And I'm sorry H thinks he doesn't love you anymore. Do I think he actually doesn't love you anymore? Nope. I think he does. It's just buried right now.

That he is so unhappy he would rather do this and leave our family then bear being with me as his wife again.

I know. I often sit and list the things that H is doing to his and his kids' life in order to get away from me. It is irrational and astounding, and for those reasons, it hurts. It's like "Am I really that bad?"

But I know that while there were definitely things I could have been better at, H misidentified me as the reason he was unhappy.

When this first started and we went to C I asked him who was I to you when you were happy and on top of the world. Who was I? When you loved me beyond measure what kind of person was I? He couldn't answer any questions I asked. I asked him what do you need from me? What's missing? What do you need to be happy? He couldn't answer anything. He just told me to be myself and do what I want to do. If I want to miss him then do it. Don't worry about what I think he wants or asking him for permission.

T0, repeat after me: "H's actions are not a value-judgment about me and my worth. H has a lens up right now that filters all that he sees, because he is a (suspected) MLCer, is taking steroids, and is likely getting attention from other women. These things impact the filter through which he sees me, T0. I have the same value I did as when he approved of me and thought I made him happy. I have the same value as I did before I even met H. My worth as a lovable human being is not defined by a midlife man's choices."