The high road: rocky with a great view

[ciluzen]

Sorry I dont post much on others' threads right now, but it usually takes me a while to think out and type a response and...I've never really learned to type...I still "hunt and peck", although its less hunt and more quick pecking.

So quick (for me) update. XH is still in the hospital. He had complications, had a tube put in from nose to stomach (which he fought) and was miserable. D26 has been handling this sitch mostly alone, was feeling the burden, and had orchestrated a plan to have me bring her sis, D25, up to visit this weekend. After much discussion (XH had been firm on no visitors) and a quick text to XH, D25 and I saw that part of the plan was an attempt to get me up there. D25 did not want to be a "pawn" and we both decided to abide by his expressed wishes.

I also went against advice here and sent short texts to H Saturday (to check if he was willing to see D25) and the next two days to see how he was. He called back both times to talk.

Yesterday he called back in the afternoon to say D25 and I could come up (they had taken the tube out of his nose). D25 decided to go separately, either later or today. She won't, most likely. The avoidance is strong, with that one. So I went alone.

We talked. He had showered before I got there (he warned that he hadn't yet for almost a week, so I was surprised)and I commented on it, but he kept speaking of being old and ugly. Seriously. Worse than ever. Even commented to the nurse that I visited even though he was so ugly. After about an hour, I went to leave but he asked that I stay. I ended up getting ready to leave after another hour and mentioned that I'd like to stop by the river house (his house) to see D26 and her H (they are staying there right now to take care of the place and to be close in case he is discharged) and stick my toes in the water.
She had warned me when I told her I was driving up (an hour and half drive) that I should ask him if it was ok. Which puzzled me, because he insisted I keep the key and that I was welcome to use it when no one was there. I really didn't even want to go inside.

So I asked. He suddenly changed demeanor, got very closed off, and told me in about eight different ways that I could only go if I promised it was just to see D26 and for no other reason...but went on and on. I explained that I almost never get to see her and that would be the point, but that it was such a pretty place and hot that day that I had thought it would be nice to be in the water for a bit...but I realized that that was his home and I wouldnt go. He then started to act upset with himself, said "I know its not fair...I don't want to say no to you!" He then explained that there wete lots of changes, he'd painted the dock, there was a new piece of furniture in the kitchen...I cut him off. I told him I wouldn't go. It was ok. I even smiled. I explained that it was his home and I expected him to do what he wanted with it. (but in my mind I was thinking...you just allowed a bunch of people you had never met to be there over night for a bachelorette party for an employee that you've been having issues with while you couldn't be there because you were in the hospital! Ugh. MLC!) D26 walked in right then so I gave her a hug, but I was a bit shaken and trying to hold it together. She was surprised to see me still there, but also surprised that I was leaving right away after she had arrived. I gave her another kiss, said goodbye, and left. Only had a minor almost meltdown in the car..but its his house.

I apologized and explained my abrupt departure to D26 later that night. I told her I would return the key to the house as I was no longer welcome there. She told me to hold on to it...not to be so hasty. He's working through a whole lot and trying some new things...like not letting so many people take advantage of him (he's a "Mr. Nice Guy...and that has been a huge issue). She explained that he felt horrible that he had said that and upset me...it was part of his practicing the boundary setting and he admitted that it was because he was so comfortable with me it was almost easier...but not really what he wanted.She told me to just chill. He's a messed up guy trying to work through a thousand things at once. And that he was very happy I drove up to visit. I said, "yeah. He's bored to death there and had something to break up the day." Her counter was that no, there was more.

I'll send him one more "hope you get out today text". Then I'm off to class. I'm not a great DBer...but at least I'm ok with having visted him when he was low...whatever his feelings.