Last night we had our third session (yes a bit early but we are going on a trip, W is first going somewhere alone and later we meet up in a place she would love to do her PhD in).
I have done a mediocre job in GAL (mostly due to the fact W doesn't drive and we work at same place and so our lives intersect and interconnect quite a bit). With OM still in the picture not anymore (at this stage at least) as a PA but I suspect still an EA (although W says it is mostly jokes and she has shown me a few texts here and there that indicate that is the case).
We are entering what seems to be the end of two months of me recognizing I might actually lose her and so my sleeping has been tricky. She is exhausted as well. So that increases the chances for emotional meltdowns (on both our parts). For the most part I have detached and done 180s except for when OM is mentioned (W. says she realizes she messed up (she used a different word but I want to respect the moderators here), she also wants to be honest even though she realizes it might be painful for me).
The MC has been a life saver. While I still need to work on myself and not talk myself on the ledge the MC has essentially calmed my anxiety down by highlighting things I tried tell W. Ironically, in the car ride back my W said "she says things that I have been trying to tell you which is a great relief to me" and I laughed and said "funny you say that, because I feel like she is saying things I have been trying to tell YOU". Which shows that a fundamental issue between us is interpretation of words. I didn't disclose that here yet but I am originally not from the US.
Last week we were told to focus on healthy versus unhealthy thoughts, emotions and behaviors. As I mentioned last week W. immediately implemented it, that gave me hope and patience. However, friday morning came around and I knew she would be anxious for the weekend. She then went on to say that she had told OM vaguely that maybe they would go get drinks later that night. I felt that was gas lighting on her part and I initially detached and later decided I needed to express how I felt to avoid something greater down the road. Initially I wanted to see if she would actually go but that to me seemed like a more potentially explosive scenario.
Something that gave me hope happened. She initially was hesitant but then proceeded to discuss this using the language of healthy and unhealthy and told me that she came up with a rule not to hang out with OM if we had a bad night or if we weren't in a good place. I told her I want to trust her that it is just friendship with OM but that I would be much happier if she went for drinks with ANY other friend (male or female). She understands that. She also expressed initial reluctance in counselor bringing up her depression but she realizes it plays a bigger role than she gave it credit for. That gave me an opportunity to validate her concerns about my behavior the past decade and I said that I am relieved she recognizes that and that one of my biggest regrets was not recognizing my own role in our problems and essentially blaming everyone on HER depression which led to isolation and anger. I know the technique by MWD calls for not going beyond my own role and I am sticking to that probably 80% of the time but my W has expressed fear and she sees that as me rather than the connection to OM. I do think she slowly is beginning to to connect the dots and of course it's my own fault for being wayyyyyy too accommodating once I found out about OM.
But in MC we were asked to report on the healthy/unhealthy behaviors and I reported on our Friday situation that was a huge fire being gas lit and it actually slowly dying out. W nodded and MC asked W if she agreed. So then the MC asked about the emotion with the communication (which was labeled as thoughts). W said "regret, but that isn't an emotion so she went with frustration" MC asked why: "it just feels like too little too late". MC asked me. I said I kind of agree with W about frustration and me recognizing I should have done this sooner but that I am also hopeful that we are finally communicating (honestly, we have talked more about real things in the past few weeks than in an entire decade) but that I have also felt exhausted. Which W. said as well. W. was then asked for the behavior associated with it and she said the communication and not leading to a huge fight gave her rest. MC then said you know what is so great about what you both just said? W was confused and was looking at words like frustration and exhaustion. MC said you are FINALLY on the same page. Even though it doesn't feel like that, you both have the same emotion. That is an important stepping stone and both of you need to continue looking at your individual contributions: "what am I contributing to this relationship...not marriage...but relationship" which of course was what I was familiar with so I validate a lot (especially when it's legitimately true what W says) and the MC seems to appreciate that. W. also nods a lot for the things I say. MC was going to express something that seemed to be about our future potential but then caught herself and said no, what I think isn't important. She said... you two in three weeks have done a lot of positives and I have never seen any couple get there THIS quickly. She said she cannot guarantee the end result (mostly because of course W feels pressured and doesn't know where she stands) but that if we continue the focus on individual contributions that whatever the outcome is we will both be in great mental places.
Because we had the trip planned and we won't be able to see MC next week she had us write down up to five things we would both do on this trip for ourselves. I was already planning to not expect anything romantic and basically letting W rest and maybe do fun things exploring the city but this activity helped us get on the same page. MC encouraged both of us to release something that is holding us back (not necessarily about our relationship but something that affected us).
When we came home. We both went to sleep early. But we both woke up around midnight. We spend some time together and W started kissing me. She wanted more but I told her I have been so exhausted these past few months that I don't know how much is possible. We cuddled a bit. But this is when I realized why I also need to focus on GAL and getting rest. It's started to affect my overall health and of course that decreases the chances of me being someone I can feel good about.
So two months in and about a month since I discovered about OM. My progress was greatly halted and undone after I discovered about OM. My fear to lose her made me want to accommodate her keeping OM in her life. Partially that is because of my guilt that she feels trapped and has lost close friends who either live out of state or moved away from us.
But W. is going to MC, she validates my worth, she has been honest about how she is interacting with OM and how she is just not sure how she feels about a future together (unless of course she is telling OM all sorts of other things but I highly doubt that). She does every now and then talk about possible things in the future but then catches herself and it is clear now that she is afraid that doing so makes me think everything is ok. Perhaps that fear has SOME merit but I do realize this is a marathon.
My commitment to GAL and detaching needs to continue. W. does recognize I am giving her space and that space makes her want to hang out with me. There are just a few moments where I need to control my emotions better. W said last week: best way for me to open up to you is through patience.
Things I need to do better (I am typing it out because it holds me more accountable) is not reaching out to her. She WILL come to me... she has shown that. Did I have doubts about her sincerity? Yes. Did I worry me not expressing how I really feel about her and OM? Yes. But if we have a future together I need to give her space. Especially now that she recognizes just how complicated her own actions have been. But the "nice" thing about that is that when W points out she messed up and apologizes for that it gives me an opportunity to validate her by saying thanks for that apology and I appreciate that but I also want you to know that I recognize the problems started way before OM.
TL;DR (sorry I am not succinct but I also type these long posts as being cathartic for me so I can let go off these thoughts and focus) IF and WHEN I actually GAL and detach it will likely increase the time W wants to spend with me. It will show her that I can be a stable person she would want to be with. And by me moving beyond the past, she has an opportunity to do the same. It may not work out, but we won't get to a better state until we both let go off the past. I will say that either I am really stubborn or I have fallen even more in love with W. (or a combination).
