I don't post many of my own threads but I had announced to some friends here that I was thinking about moving on and filing for D. My fWW has done everything a WS should do after they were caught in an affair/MLC and wanting to separate/leave the marriage.
She wised up years ago and has been her old self except for the massive guilt she carries now that all the fog is gone.
She has given me enough space to debate to stay in our long term marriage or cut ties and try again with someone new at some point in the future. I turned 50 and have done a tone of soul searching about that. Unlike what she did to me I won't leave her in limbo for years. I've decided to stay. I have invested my life with this person, have wonderful kids with her, and although she plunged a huge dagger right square into the middle of my heart, I do still love her.
With that said, if there had been even one shred of that MLC cockiness or cruelty left, even one tiny shred, then I'd be gone in a second.
The secret of success here was to truly do the 180, detach, move on, GAL, all that jazz. You can't fake it because they can tell and it will be completely ineffective. You have to really do it. Start a new life right now without them. They want to do their thing (WAS, WS, MLC, whatever) so you do your thing. For me that was reinventing myself to the person I dreamed of being when I was younger.
I started pushing my career and went from software developer that I had been for decades at the same level to being a Director of IT. Once I focused and applied myself I went from developer to manager to director in less than 3 years. Should have done this years ago but you can't change the past so don't regret it. Learn from it and move forward.
I also went back to the gym, lost 40lbs, got my 6 pack back, and feel better now than I did in my 20's. It's almost impossible to be depressed when you exercise regularly. The endorphins kill the depression.
I also gave up my cargo shorts, t-shirts, running shoes wardrobe that I wore 99% of the time. Wardrobe at work was just khakis and polo shirts. I scrapped it all. Started dressing way nicer all the time and that also made me feel better.
My wife wasn't a huge fan of live music but I've always LOVED it. I started calling old friends and re-engaging, going out to dive bars to watch bands, started going to more concerts, started having a blast.
Basically I became the person I should have always been. That was my fault in the marriage. I always put husband and father as my two most important roles in life but I did allow life to become too complacent, gained 30 lbs, dressed like a slob, lacked ambition, etc.
Anyway, all that worked. I'm pretty sure it'll work for a lot of you. For some it won't and you have to be honest about that. By the time a spouse walks out on a marriage, a lot of times that's it. It's over. NONE of the relationship guru's have a winning record. They lose more than they win. That's just the nature of it. What I'll say about MWD's 180, and all that goes with it, is that I fully believe it'll give you your absolute best chance to save your M if it's still savable.
The only thing I changed was the "wait and see" approach. Limbo was sucking the life out of me. Literally killing me. Depression and constant sadness drove my blood pressure up, was giving me heart palpitations, etc. I did the "wait and see" for almost 3 years. That was about 2.5 years too much. I think you have to set a goal time to fish or cut bait. Limbo is hell.
I chose to cut bait. I did all the things above for myself and filed for D. All the sudden I didn't look so bad anymore. My new life was awesome and her new MLC/cheater/douche bag AP life didn't look so glamorous. Her own friends were asking her about our status and saying how great "TxHubby" looks.
That works, my friends. Every single one of you can get in shape, do GAL, dress better, feel better, move on, build a great new life. That literally makes you extremely attractive. Not only will your WAS/WS notice 99% of the time but so will others and your WAS/WS will HATE that. I'd post my progress on Facebook and women that we both knew were eating that up and responding. They heard I was going to be back on the market again and saw that I was no longer a chubby, poorly dressed, unambitious guy.
The thing I learned most is that doing this for yourself sets you up for a no-lose scenario. There are only two outcomes. First, your WAS/WS responds, breaks down, wants another chance, and is remorseful. That's what happened to me. The only warning I give you there is once your new life is humming along great, you may not want this pathetic cheater in your life anymore. I battled those feelings and still do to some degree. Now I know I'm too good to tolerate this. I have options.
The second outcome is that still doesn't pull them back. They really do still want out or had an exit affair and your M is dead and gone. You'll also be ok in this scenario because you built this great new you and great new life. If they don't respond, others will. Trust me, I know. You'll have options.
Anyway, my wife and I wish all of you good fortune. I won't wish you luck because you make your own luck. You can do this.
