Count on ups and downs (III)

[roist]

It is a tough situation and it is hard. And it is hard to know what to do. But it doesn't need to be overly complicated either. Do what is best for you. I found it hard to realise that within certain guidelines all the lbs should be doing is what he/she wants to do.

You have repeated that you cannot control her nor what she decides to do. I do believe your stance upon not moving out is right and wanting to keep her there is normal. I: understand the logic that stalling a separation could give things the time needed to turn things around.

However sometimes separating is the quickest way to turn things around. At the moment you are spinning and unhappy. Your W is fighting to get away from you. You are blocking her, so for her you are the enemy. All her focus and energy is about beating her enemy and escaping to freedom. As long as she has that fight, she cannot focus on anything else.

Why not try something new. Stop stonewalling. Tellher you can see how frustrated she is and that you will not stand in her way in her desire to separate. Don't do anything to help her out the door though. She needs to plan, organise and do everything herself. Protect your interests, your children and your assets.

When she repeats that it should be you moving out,calmly let her know that you understand that she would prefer that but you don't want to leave and that won't be happening.

I understand that this isn't what you want. None of us are here by choice. You need to accept where you are. Really accept it.

A friend here once wrote a story explaining how on some exotic island the natives had a simple way of trapping monkeys. They eptied out a coconut and attached it to a chain. They made a small hole in the coconut shell just big enough for a monkeys hand to barely pass. Inside the coconut the placed a sweet. The monkeys would reach into to holeand grab the sweet. But with the sweet in the hand, the hand no longer fitted through the hole. All the monkey had to do was let go the sweet and it could be free. But the monkey could not realise that because it was so focused on getting the sweet.

In this analogy your M is the coconut, your W is the sweet and sorry but you are the monkey. Letting go. of your W (physically but especially emotionally) will free you too. I am not saying give up on the hope of a future R with W, but stop keeping yourself in your state of suffering.

Best wishes