Because your fear outweighs your love for yourself.
T0, you snooping does not help you. It increases your anxiety and woe is me. It puts you at risk of reactivity toward H. I swear, if you say anything to him about realtors or buying a house, I will hunt you down, T0!
You are doing so good. Don't mess it up!
Quote:
I need to accept it's over and he's never coming back
Oh, come on, T0. Your M is over. We've told you that. You don't want the one he's leaving, anyway. But never coming back is a stretch.
Why must you torture yourself like this?
What have you been doing to educate yourself about what is going on with H so that you don't get sucked into this negative cycle?
Are you reading the stories of others? Success stories are great. They allow you to read the despair, and then read as the person gets themselves back, then the strength, and then R can happen. (It can't until then.)
Are you reading your own history, to see how despairing you were then and you came out the other side and were okay (and yes, we know it's the second time and so what? If this is an MLC it's not a quick thing.)
Are you reading books?
Are you commenting in others' threads and providing them support?
What are you doing other than your daily stuff, posting here in your thread, and occasionally snooping on H? And I don't mean activities, I mean what are you doing to self-soothe and take hold of the bigger picture?
Once you prioritize those things, then you will understand why snooping is your addiction. "Just one more, I'll feel better". <proceeds to not feel better> "One more time. I'll feel better this time. Surely my story isn't like the others. What do they know?" <proceeds to not feel better>.
Maybe next time is the time when you snoop and feel better than before you snooped.
