NYGal: Together and Doing the Work

[NYGal]

Thank you all for such thoughtful replies! I'm sincerely humbled. My "quote" button isn't working, so I'm going to just quote some of you and respond.

Blu:"A big part of my willingness to work on the M and work on forgiving H has to do with his regret about what happened and therefore he has some disgust for how he behaved (and consequently towards her)… If he had to see her, work with her, or remain in contact with her, the entire dynamic would be different. I can't see how you can respect a coworker and work with them if you are trying to move past an A (if considered a mistake or addiction) with them. I honestly don't get it."

YOU HIT THE NAIL ON THE HEAD THERE, BLU. THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I FEEL. W EXPRESSES REGRET, BUT THE DISGUST PART IS MISSING. I KNOW I CAN'T CONTROL THAT BUT IT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER IF I KNEW SHE WAS REALLY TRYING TO AVOID THE ow INSTEAD OF HAVING A 35 MINUTE CONVERSATION WITH HER! I'VE SEEN SO MANY EXAMPLES OF HER LIES, LIKE THE TIME SHE SWORE THERE WAS NO CONTACT, NOPE, NONE. BUT I SAW THEM LEAVING A MEETING TOGETHER CHATTING. THAT WAS MONTHS AGO BUT THOSE THINGS STICK IN MY BRAIN AND COME BACK WHEN THINGS LIKE THIS PHONE CALL HAPPEN. AND THEN I TRY TO BELIEVE ALL THE SWEET WORDS UNTIL… BAM SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENS.

Cadence: "I see a terrible cycle happening here. You're watching W's actions for any hint that you'll be hurt again. W has to interact with exOW for work, and isn't being fully forthcoming with you about it. Most likely it is because she fears an emotional reaction and conflict from you, not because she is going to cheat again (but we don't know that for sure.) Knowing she's not disclosing the truth allows you to grow hurt and resentment, while you monitor her more closely, and W continues to work with exOW while mostly hiding it from you. And then your resentment explodes and you get emotional, thus confirming for W that she is doing the right thing by not telling you." DO YOU LIVE INSIDE MY HEAD? YOU SUMMED IT UP EXACTLY. YOU'RE RIGHT, MAYBE I NEED TO PUT IT IN WRITING. OR TATTOO IT ON HER ARM. AND YES, IF ONLY SHE WOULD TREAT Xow LIKE A DISLIKED CO-WORKER, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WOULD HOPE FOR. SOMEONE TO BE PROFESSIONAL WITH BUT AVOID WHENEVER POSSIBLE AND CERTAINLY NOT SHARE FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS WITH, EVEN IF ONLY ABOUT WORK.

Annab, I'm always honored when you pay a visit!

And finally, many of you shared the same thoughts about how there are no real consequences (other than a couple days of misery) about the line I keep drawing in the sand. In all honesty, you're right, I never gained the courage to actually consider leaving. So keeping that in mind, I'm going to at least work on getting it all in writing. And I just ordered a paper copy of MWD's book about recovering from infidelity. I hope W will consent to reading it. I read it on Kindle and I think it's very, very supportive of both WWS and LBS.
Thanks all, I'm still digesting all this.