NYGal: Together and Doing the Work

[Stormchaser]

Speaking from experience:

My W worked with OM for over a year after BD.

Anna said what I went through. My W assured me that communication was barely "hi, bye" at work. Later I found out there was more and I wasn't happy. I also have a temper and let her know how pissed I was that she still talked to him.

I have a bit of a different take: Infidelity, IMO, is one of the worst things one spouse can do to another. My new IC has helped me see that I'm going through PTSD. I have every right to be angry that they still work together. Its a constant thorn in my side, wondering what kind of banter they have. Of course they're gonna lie. They know its wrong but continue to do it without any consequences. Plus, my new IC helped me see that if my W had ANY remorse, she'd quit. My W would use the excuse that she had a specialty job, or that we'd lose her income - and that's what they were, merely excuses. Many executives were forced out of their jobs for corporate shenanignas, so why was HER job so special? I wasn't asking her to give up her career, just her stupid job. Our MC would get mad at ME for wanting my W to quit. Once I started seeing the new IC, this crappy MC went out the window and I started to recover. My new IC taught me that it was perfectly OK with me to be angry that she continued working with OM. As a matter of fact, he told me if she had resigned immediately last year, it would've saved us a year of pain and torture. And in that year she likely would've found something better.

Now, NYGAL, you're NOT gonna like what I say next: Several months ago I found out OM got promoted. I saw this and my heart sunk. I knew they're be daily interaction for sure now. I was living on hope that my W was telling the truth and they barely communicated. Now that he was going to be her boss, this would change. My IC and I talked and I decided that was that. I couldn't stay in the marriage. He was all in agreement. HOWEVER, before I had a chance to tell her I wanted out, she told me she resigned that morning and cc'd me in on her resignation email. She didn't even bother with notice. It was effective immediately and we had lunch later that day.

She admitted she knew this would destroy us and wanted to stay married, no matter what. She would do whatever it took to keep us together, even if it meant getting a menial job below her qualifications. In that year, we both changed for the better. This would ruin everything we worked hard at.

You know what? Yes, I'm broke. I'm so far in debt its not funny. Yes, she's starting over. It may take her a year to recover. But - I'm happy. I mean, I'm ecstatic!! They are no longer together. She's now 100% focused on me. Because we're struggling financially, we sit down and talk about it. She understands. She's become frugal. We cut back. We make it work. We find ways to make it work. Its been 3 months since her resignation and I'm watching her evolve. This forced her to become a savvy business woman now and her home business will likely take off in a year. She created a website. Support is pouring in now.

I'm helping. I WANT to help!! This was the thing that held me back from giving 100% to the marriage. With her willingness to quit, I found myself really invested in what she was doing now. We're broke but happy.

Now - my W had no retirement, pension or anything with her old company - but I believe had she had all that, she'd STILL leave. She'd figure something out.

I'm sorry - but I think you'll never have any peace until OW and W are separated.