She did mention the other night that maybe we need to be away from each other for a couple of weeks. Maybe thats what she needed to shake her out of this and wake up to herself...her words, not mine.
That's the WAW's way of letting the LBS down slowly. She doesn't want time away, she just wants out. Period. She doesn't want to hurt you though, so she thinks talking about "time away" won't upset you as much because it's tinged with hope that she will want to return.
Originally Posted By: Forbet
You've made me realise that everything that we have done/tried so far or agreed to in the future has been my idea. I am giving her space in the house though. I'm already not messaging like normal through the day, or calling, or initiating conversations as I used to. Maybe I should move out for a while??
First, don't move out!!! The WAS needs to feel the impact of what they're doing, so if separation happens the WAS should be the one to go, and have to move their stuff, and deal with finding a place, etc. etc. She has to learn to miss you and she's more likely to if she has to move.
Second, you've been trying to save things and good on you for that. But hopefully you see now that it hasn't worked and won't work. To her it all just looks like pressure and pressure is what pushes the WAS out the door. Look at Sandi's rules again and live those rules. No talk about the future. No pressure. No following her around. No frequent calling and texting. Act "as if". Etc.
Had another talk with my W over the weekend. She initiated the talk, not me. She started by saying she doesn't hate me and doesn't want me to hate her. She had picked up on my mood lately, which hasn't been the best. I was quite down last week. Its something I'm really focusing on fixing right now, its just bloody hard!
It is super hard, and I'm very sorry you're going through it! It is a life-changing experience. You will emerge better and stronger, but it takes a while to get there. I'm sure you feel like you needed to have that talk, but the R talks need to stop (see Sandi's rules).
Originally Posted By: Forbet
I spoke my mind a bit more this time, told her some hard truths and how I was really feeling. Told her I was sick of the limbo I was in and that I didn't know if I could go on much longer.
OK well that's actually a good lead-in to going dim on her. Time to embrace DB and Sandi's rules and really get serious about it. Between that and what you said above, your W will start thinking that maybe you're not going to wait around as plan B after all and that might worry her. I'm not trying to get your hopes up for an immediate reconciliation, but over time, it could happen!
Originally Posted By: Forbet
At one point she broke down a bit, gave me a long hug and sobbed "what have I done".
Like TX said, that's the guilt talking. She has no remorse because she thinks she's doing the right thing for both of you. So for her it's still full steam ahead even though she does feel bad about it. Not sure if you read other threads here but pay particular attention to Sandi's posts. She was a WAW and she gives some really interesting insight into what is going on in a WAW's head while they're in the fog. They feel bad and their emotions are all over the place, but at the same time they are resolute and without remorse.
Originally Posted By: Forbet
I wasn't trying to upset her or make her feel bad, I'm just sick of the whole situation and let her know how I was feeling. At no point did I ask to try anything, plead her to stay, beg etc. I have probably done this, in one way or another, when we have talked in the past. It wasn't a heated discussion at all, was completely civil.
Overall the convo wasn't a bad one, but again it's time to table all R talks. You both need time and space to think about things now. In house separations are very, very tough. Just try to find things to do out of the house to really give her space.
Originally Posted By: Forbet
I on the other hand don't want to feel like [censored] anymore. I am really trying this week to pick myself up and focus on me. I'm mentally preparing myself for all this to not work out.
I think we can all relate to your sentiments about not wanting to suffer anymore! I'm sorry to say though, there's no quick fix. If you leave you won't feel better. If you kick her out you won't feel better. If you push for D you won't feel better. Just hang in there and take things a day at a time for now. Just try to do things to take your mind off your W. The more you can give her space and do things independently of her the better you both will start to feel.
