I think the problem is there has never been any *real* consequences when your wife violates boundaries. There is a brief argument then things go back to normal and your wife starts the cycle again sometime later. Agree with cadence... get it in writing so there is no doubt. But you have to be prepared to walk away if the violations continue otherwise the whole thing is pointless.
This ^^^^^^^
As has already been pointed out, the covert communication may mean nothing other than W isn't comfortable telling you the truth. That's something you can work on. W and you both have needs for safety in this situation. W needs to feel safe to open up and be honest without fear of a blow up from you. You need to feel safe that she is actually *being* honest and honorable with her activities and intentions. Until you both get what you need, this cycle is going to continue.
Although I think there needs to be understanding for the fact both people have unmet needs and fears in this situation, I think it's also salient that this behavior seems to be a pattern with W. She has never appeared to respect your boundaries, nor have there been any consequences for not doing so. You teach other people how to treat you by the things you allow to continue.
