NYGal: Together and Doing the Work

[Coconut]

I saw your post, and although I've been around on and off for over a year, I didn't recall your sitch, so I went back and read all your posts from start to reconciliation.

First, it was good to see some of Wonkas posts, her and Sandi2 really helped me a lot, or at least tried to get me to help myself, and just want to say that I hope she's doing well, I know she had a lot of family stuff going on.

Wow, I envy you, your strength in what you've been able to accomplish thus far demonstrates the love you and your W have for each other. It's possible that my sitch would have resulted in piecing, but unlike you (and maybe a little like you) I was not able to get past my W continuing to have contact with OM (they both volunteered at a fire dept).

You're so far past where I got, that I hesitate to comment, but I do have some understanding of where you are (with the contact) and the snooping to get the truth. I believe feeling that you need to snoop will become detrimental to you and if you can't get past the "need to do so", your MR.

I would suggest two things:
#1 it's first because I agree with cadence, you need to get back to working on you. This needs to be first so that you don't do things, or not do things, because you fear losing her. You need to want to stay with your W, not stay because your afraid of losing her.

#2 have that dreaded discussion, tell her what you know, but more importantly why you looked, how it makes you feel, and what you need moving forward. While I don't know that a written contract would make a difference, it may be easier to relay your boundaries if they are clearly written out, since conversations tend to get sidetracked and things can be forgotten. It is important you have boundaries, and with that, for your own sanity you have to be willing to enforce them and she needs to be clear on that.

As for your comment that it's easier to just start new, I kind of agree with you, but in no way is it easy. I still struggle with the fact she never got how wrong what she did was (the A and even more so, all the lies and deceit), never apologized or showed any real remorse. Plus I'm a year out from being done with M, and still not ready to start seeing anyone else. I have a Dr. who wants to go out with me, it's soooo tempting, but I know I'm still not ready to build a healthy R. So I'm not sure what easier looks like to you, but I wish it was easier than it is.