I read your threads from start to finish and to see you post is like me seeing a celebrity. OMG OMG
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In some ways I envy all those whose marriages ended after the affair, all those who have the chance to move on and start over. This hell of doubt and uncertainty is unbearable sometimes.
It breaks my heart to hear you say this. I remember reading how torn apart you are without W. Maybe it would be helpful for you, when you're feeling pessimistic, to go back and read them again yourself? I'd hate for you to be having grass is greener type thoughts, because from everything I've read, the two of you really love one another.
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We had the ironclad agreement, that if there were texts, phone calls, emails, she would tell me. Work or personal. In fact, especially work because why would she tell me if they were personal, since if they are communicating on a personal level we are DONE.
Okay, is this agreement in writing? Or is it sort of vaguely out there? Because I would put it in writing. Your W is toeing the line, probably because the agreement isn't solid and undeniable.
I believe, along with others, that she is probably not telling you because she fears your reaction. She has to work with W (my understanding is she has a high-profile gig with not too many other local opportunities for similar, so it wouldn't be easy nor desirable to leave her work).
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I broke down. Lost it completely.
While I empathize totally, and would probably do the same, I think this is working against your own self-interest.
I see a terrible cycle happening here. You're watching W's actions for any hint that you'll be hurt again. W has to interact with exOW for work, and isn't being fully forthcoming with you about it. Most likely it is because she fears an emotional reaction and conflict from you, not because she is going to cheat again (but we don't know that for sure.) Knowing she's not disclosing the truth allows you to grow hurt and resentment, while you monitor her more closely, and W continues to work with exOW while mostly hiding it from you. And then your resentment explodes and you get emotional, thus confirming for W that she is doing the right thing by not telling you.
This cycle is a huge problem. You know it and I bet W would agree, too.
For you, I think the cycle has another downside: it's handing W the upper hand in the relationship. She gets to choose the path that things go, and you're the emotional one. Let's get back to an emotionally-equal partnership.
What I would do is get it on the table in a contract. Super sexy, right?
I think you should have a signed agreement that for x period of time, W will tell you of any and all interaction. In return for this honesty, you will do your best to have a calm response with an assumption that W is trustworthy. In order to minimize emotional bonds, W will treat exOW like a disliked coworker, keep interaction all business and minimize anything resembling emotional bonding.
This would be a win/win for both of you. What you need from her would be out there. What she needs from you would be out there. She'd know that if both parties did their best to adhere to the contract, trust would be restored enough that the contract would no longer be needed (i.e. this isn't endless.)
W really has to understand that her dishonesty in the past has consequences, and being totally open with you is a consequence. Secrets are destructive.
And you could still trust but verify for however long you need to, but do know that is probably going to grow unhealthy and obsessive for you at a certain point.
Put some thought into a written contract to try to get a new healthier cycle going. Right now you're both spiraling down and I want better for you.
And, for you NYGal, in reading your threads, I worry for you. I think you let W back pretty easy, and I don't think you got to the point where you were fully confident on your own and not willing to tolerate BS. So I think it's so incredibly important that you are in IC with a focus on emotional resiliency and resisting making W the absolute center of your life. In my opinion, those were some of the contributors to your original R problems.
