Here again part 8

[Train]

And another thing:

I just don't know what the hell I am supposed to be doing.

I very much remember having this exact feeling - like, to the point that it felt consuming. I actually think about that often. And the last time I revisited my old threads, I sort of chuckled because people were offering advice, and very succinctly, but for a while, my brain and heart were in so many pieces and places that everyone's advice just confused me, and I felt like they were contradicting themselves a lot of times! Boy, do I remember that! It was very frustrating and discouraging.

Oftentimes, I expected myself to essentially be a robot. I wanted vets to tell me exactly what to say and at what times. The problem was: I couldn't keep them in my pocket to tell me what to say on the fly when my H was around and gave me a perfect opening for one of those great comebacks I had been provided. And then I'd question a million times if I should use Comeback A or Comeback B for that specific thing H said.

I laugh at myself now, but I really felt that way!

T, you're not a robot. And, fortunately or unfortunately, there's not one thing you're going to do that's going to make or break your M, so it's okay (and advantageous) to drop that pressure you're needlessly putting on yourself about that.

At the same time, while your actions/words won't make your M, they can and WILL make a difference! People often say on these boards that our spouses are going to do whatever they're going to do, and there's not a dang thing we can do about it. That's hogwash! Yes, they will do what they're going to do, but that doesn't mean we don't have a little (and sometimes a LOT of) influence over their choices! That is, after all, the reason we all picked up DB/DR and found our way to these boards!

T, we're trying to help you realize that this is all about YOU. Don't deny your H an invitation with the family because you want to teach him something. That's not your job. Instead, don't invite him because you want to unwind without having to question if everything you do or say is "the right thing." Don't invite him at times because it's more relaxing for YOU sometimes when he's not around ... and let the consequences of that for H be what they may. Don't set a visitation schedule with H and the kids with the goal of showing H what life as a single dad is going to be like. Set a schedule because the predictability will help you keep YOUR life on track ... and let the consequences of that for H be what they may. Does that make sense?

Just try to stop worrying about what you're "supposed to do." The advice you're being given is pretty much all the same across the board, and it mainly boils down to you doing YOU and letting H do HIM and then seeing where things go. We're asking you to do what should be the easiest thing in the world: *nothing*. Yeah. We pretty much want you to do nothing. Drop the rope. Let go. Don't do a dang thang, chicken wang! LOL!

If you find out down the road that H is having a PA, then maybe I would have different opinions on things like H enjoying time with you and the kids and then going back to OW. (Even though, as I detailed in an earlier response, I still allowed H to do this sometimes when he was gone, and many people here weren't entirely behind me on that decision. I'd add: my mind was in a place that allowed for this to work.) But right now? Do we know if H has crossed one of your boundaries? Has he trampled on your non-negotiable core boundaries and/or beliefs? That's up to YOU to decide. What we don't know is if your H's involvement with OW has turned physical, and we all kind of agree that it doesn't sound much like it is ... at least for now. (I'm not saying an EA is any less painful ... in fact, I think the emotional A is sometimes MORE painful to endure ...) And we know that H is currently not trying to sleep with you or lead you on or anything like that. He just joins his family from time to time for a good, relaxing time. I truly don't see the harm in that *except* that it hurts your heart to have a good time and then wonder why he's leaving it all. I do get that part and that pain. But that's why I really hope you'll start using these opportunities to make yourSELF feel better: dress up a little, flaunt your hot self around a little bit, bat an eyelash or two and turn and walk away, knowing exactly where H's eyes are going!

Essentially, I think whether H is hanging with the family is far less important than your mindset when he *is* around. If you're feeling strong - psh! - invite away! The stronger and more confident you are, the more attractive you are to H. He may still talk to OW late at night, but YOU can give him something extra to think about it. And eventually, those calls may not intrigue him as much as time with his W and family does ....

Be the OW to the OW!!!