My concern regarding last time vs this time is this time he's more level headed and thinking clear. Last time he wouldn't come here and be around me much less stay the night. To me I think that means this time he's not so much wayward but just done.
T0, here we go again with mindreading H and the word "done."
If you were a poker player, the D word would be your tell. Like "Oh, T0 said 'done', I know she's got nothing good in that hand of hers." (I don't know poker, if it's not obvious!)
You've typed the D word. Now we know that you are at risk of an anxiety spiral that will cause you to act (or want to act) in ways that work against your own self-interest. Because you've decided he's "done" and now it will be time to despair because he's "done."
It's time to dig into this. What does the D word mean to you? Why is it so powerful?
I mean, your H IS leaving you. He thinks he's done. He thought that in 2014, too, and it turned out not to be true.
I was amused reading skyhigh's excellent posts to you. Go reread them. Find where she herself used the D word. She was done. What did it mean in her case?
"Done" is a feeling, T0, and feelings have a funny way of changing. We can have so much negative feeling that we work up our resolve and we're "done." Is that permanent, though? What happens when we shape reality and act upon fleeting feelings?
If you ask me, the only "done" in life that can't be "un-done" is death.
And, so what if your H appears rational? You know he's got so many things driving his behavior (OW, steroids) and there's the nagging detail that he's also done this before. He knows how it goes.
If you want to see the rational facade crumble, stop any and all pursuit. You're doing great at it but it has to be consistent. H isn't going to have his "uh oh" moment unless you stay the course. He thinks you'll flip flop. He's seen what looks like strong moments from you before, but it's only a matter of time until the R talks happen again and/or you do something trying to control him or make him responsible for your happiness.
Time and consistency, T0. This is going to be a big challenge for you. He'll try to pick fights to get you pursuing by showing him your hurt. He'll try to start R talks with the same goal. Get angry, T0. You are being set up. And you are so much stronger than someone who would succumb to those games. Slap a smile on your face, hold your head up high, and show him that things have changed and you are better than that.
"I need time apart and maybe someday..." should be met with a "H, you left me. There is no point to talking about this. I'm not interested in these 'somedays'. I'm interested in my happiness and the boys' happiness and being the best mom and T0 I can be. Could you please hand me the remote?"
Any attempt at picking a fight (he'll go for more and more sensitive areas for you as you take less of his bait, so get ready), just act completely obtuse. As if what he's trying to do is not registering with you. "Oh, that's nice" or "That must be hard. I'm sorry that you're feeling that way." Or just flat out agree with him sometimes.
Do not sit down for serious talks. Do not go on the porch with him for talks. Do not have extended phone conversations.
You're in control now, T0. This is how you start to feel better. Your H is left, thinks he's "done" (but we now know not to assign that word so much power over us, right?), and now you get to shape your own narrative.
I hope you get dressed up and have an amazing time with your friend. It's time to pamper yourself a little. Get your hair done, or your nails, or buy a new outfit.
I don't envy any of you with shared kids, because it must be so hard to keep seeing the waywards/MLCers. But boy do I envy you, because you get the opportunities to show them that you are changing. In my story it's a bunch of silence, so I'm looking to you, T0, to take advantage of what I don't have. Show H that you are still the same beautiful, attractive, and fun loving woman you always were, but he doesn't get any of your attention anymore.
