(((NYGal))) I am so sorry. It hurts so, so much :-(

I wanted to offer you some support because I do feel your pain, especially when you question what things would be like had you just moved on after the A. My H has zero contact with OW and I still wonder what it would be like if he didn't come back. I think that is perfectly normal and par for the course. The thing is, piecing is very hard work, but we can't really compare it to ending the M. They are just completely different paths with different ups and downs. When I read other threads of people that went their separate ways and even chose to (coconut for example), it is not just easier, but it's different and I see sadness and self doubt too.

I think it is fine to verify (snoop) that she is living up to the agreement, and especially considering that they work together and you know there is contact. Others here may not agree with me and that is okay; I am not saying either opinion is right or wrong. Honestly, I don't know how you do it. I couldn't (and wouldn't) tolerate my H having any contact with OW. To take it a step further, I don't think I could tolerate him even wanting to have contact with her. A big part of my willingness to work on the M and work on forgiving H has to do with his regret about what happened and therefore he has some disgust for how he behaved (and consequently towards her).

I am not suggesting that you should adopt my attitude, not at all! I am trying to sympathize with how much harder this must be for you. A large part of my motivation for forgiving H is because he has demonstrated over and over in the last 2 years that the A was a mistake, that he regrets it, and that he would want nothing to do with her. The topic makes him uncomfortable and ashamed and he wishes he could erase it and her. If he had to see her, work with her, or remain in contact with her, the entire dynamic would be different. I can't see how you can respect a coworker and work with them if you are trying to move past an A (if considered a mistake or addiction) with them. I honestly don't get it.

When you describe the addiction of the A to addiction to alcohol, well I am not sure how similar they are. I wonder if someone who has had an addiction can speak better to that? If it were true, then I would think this A would have been continuing more than it has. She is right there all the time, no? It does not appear that she wants a R with her does it? ... It does seem that they have some sort of friendship and that she isn't honest with you about that. ... I can absolutely see how unsettling that would be for you! If she is trying work on trust, then I would think she would cut her off and have as minimal contact as possible. Then she would need to offer complete transparency, "OW called today and we spoke for 35 minutes about XYZ. She called me for this reason. This is how I felt during the call. I am sorry if that is hard for you to hear."

Is that asking too much? I don't know, maybe. But the point is that their R (even if only about work) is causing you a lot of stress and anxiety. It seems to be impeding the piecing process. My first thought is that what can you guys do to change this entire situation? A lot of people do move and change jobs after an A (our MC told us that because OW does not live far from us and our kids are still friends). So even if that would be very difficult or feels impossible, I have to wonder if what you are doing now is any easier? From my side of the screen it looks like torture!

I gotta hand it to you, you are one strong lady. I couldn't do what you are doing. Please don't be so hard on yourself for getting upset and angry. Of course you are upset and angry! If we hold it in and live with daily anxiety/stress, well eventually it will come out. I'm sorry, but is sounds like your W needs a kick in the pants. ... You don't have to beat yourself up over it or even show her your weakness. Maybe the best course of action is to step back, create space for yourself, and start really really thinking about how long you can live this way. Maybe you need something to change.

Keep posting. We have your back. I wish I had something better to add.

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela