NYGal: Together and Doing the Work

[NYGal]

I just don't get why she can't be honest with me. We had the ironclad agreement, that if there were texts, phone calls, emails, she would tell me. Work or personal. In fact, especially work because why would she tell me if they were personal, since if they are communicating on a personal level we are DONE. W is incapable of setting boundaries. Yesterday they spoke on the phone for over 35 minutes. I could see it because our phone system at work shows when a line is in use. I stared at that for the entire time and saw them hang up at exactly the same time. I think it drove me a little insane and I lost it last night. W admitted only to a 15 minute convo (lie), insisted that was all and that there was nothing personal. But then as the truth came out, she said she shared her frustrations about the latest scandal to hit our great institution with sow. She said sow "understands".

I broke down. Lost it completely. The reason for the call may have been work, but 35 minutes later is that ALL it was? SOW is the shot of cheap whiskey in front of the recovering alcoholic sitting at a bar. Yesterday W downed that shot. What's next?

I am embarrassed at my behavior last night and I certainly didn't further my cause at all. Every little lie that I knew was a lie I jumped on, screaming and yelling. I accused her of all sorts of things. Vulgar things. I don't know how to recover from all this. She actually held my hand and kissed me goodbye when she left this morning to go golf. I will have the day to myself as I do every Saturday to reflect on this.

In some ways I envy all those whose marriages ended after the affair, all those who have the chance to move on and start over. This hell of doubt and uncertainty is unbearable sometimes. How can anyone build trust when the WAS continues to lie and break agreements, even when (I suspect) there is nothing going on (yet) with the (former) ow? What happens after the alcoholic takes that first drink after all those months of nothing? What happens when there's another phone call and other work project?