The high road: rocky with a great view

[ciluzen]

Just want to say that, from my vantage point, this is a time to sit back and really watch how he copes with all this. MLCers fear sickness, death and (I suspect) hospitalizations. I suspect he is facing some big fears in that room.
I'm kind of doing that, but my info is now filtered through D26. He has never been one to go to the doctor, but he is in medicine and is the grandson of a very well respected head of surgery. The worst patients, you know. He has been complaining of getting old, aches and pains, things not working as well as they should. A year before we separated, he had gone to our family doctor (who he had seen once in five years) to get his "midlife" exam...and a referral was made to see a specialist for another exam (you know...50 yr old man stuff). They called him, they called me, then they sicced his doctor on him when he wouldn't make an appointment (I took the message). When I asked him why he wouldnt call he literally SCREAMED at me. Yeah...its fear more than the arrogance I thought it was. Who knows what I'll hear, but I know this is not an enjoyable time for him


I know you want to help. But, this is a chance to see how this affects his behavior and then evaluate if this is what you want in your life. I do not mean to infer that you are a fair weather friend and walk off because things get tough/he gets sick. I know that is not you. But, is he going to be the sort who always distances in sickness? Has he always done this or is it new?
He doesn't often get sick or doesn't allow it to matter. He has missed work 3 days since Ive known him, and that was with chickenpox, super high fever, and dermagraphia (stress related). He tries to ignore it or sleeps a lot, usually. That's how he deals with anything unpleasant...big mask if he has to be around others, and sequesters himself away from others to sleep it off when he doesnt. He's an "ignore it and it will go away" type.

Are you always going to be left on the outside due to his not letting people in and would you be okay with that? Because that is a certain kind of relationship.
I don't know about now...he always would eventually open up a bit...he even has a bit before we stopped directly talking; when I "backed off".

Clearly, you have a lot of love and kindness to give.
I do and I try. Thank you.

If I were "to do" anything? I might ask d26 to, offline, mention to one of his attending doctor's that he is going through a depression. Not sure if you want to involve her though.
Our family doctor has heard me speak of my theory about his depression. I wasn't sure if XH still even considered him his doctor until D26 said he wanted to go there instead of the ER. As for bringing that up to an attending, I'm not sure D26 is all in on that idea nor if I would push that while he's fighting an infection. She's pretty protective of him right now...just like she was of me when I was depressed last year (she even mentioned that yesterday). She just sees it as taking care of her "aging parents" while we are helpless (eye roll). It is an interesting thing to observe, though, from my point of view. And my learning curve lately...steep.