WH came back. Piecing. Past the 2 year mark ...

[Stormchaser]

There is def a pattern in people having As or leaving the M when things get hard or there is tragedy. That does now seem to be an unusual occurrence. Perhaps instead of looking at how their betrayal hurt us, we shift perspective and realize it was less an intentional assault on the M and more of their inability to cope with life's hardships.

Good stuff, Blu. This is EXACTLY what happened to me. I had a pretty bad nervous breakdown in 2015 - I've had mental health issues in the past, but this was the worst episode to date. Caused by extreme job stress, financial issues, and just a general loathing of married life. She tried to help this time, but the worse I got (and I was NOT pleasant to live with, her and I clashed daily), the more distant she got and it was the perfect storm. She couldn't deal with me anymore and instead of doing the RIGHT thing, asking for a divorce, she went in the WRONG direction, which still pisses me off.

I don't know if our Hs are similar, but there are certainly patterns in people that have avoidance behaviors and those that turn to external factors for validation.

Yes - my W avoided any more confrontation at that point. She told me later in therapy that she accepted that this will be our marriage for the rest of her life, accepted her lot in life, and at the same time got a LOT of validation from OM. Like I said above, perfect storm. Go to work, fool around with OM, get your needs filled there, come home, get your other needs filled there (family life, financial support). Best of both worlds - until that world came crashing down.

She told me she never felt so many emotions and so destroyed at once. Her exact quote was: "Next to my mom dying, this was the worst thing I've ever felt - my whole life flashed before my eyes that night you busted me. I never want to go through that pain again".

I especially like 25's quote here:

The phrase I am working on adopting is something like "the more you look at the past, the less of a future you have" or something to that effect.

I'm SO trying to live this way. Flashes of what happened still haunt me, but I'm working my arse off trying to stay present. Its a learning process to this day.

My hope for my M lies in the understanding that this was a hard time, a giant mistake, and that we can both grow/change from it. I don't think I could do this without that.

I'm trying this tact as well. One thing: We've been together close to 30 years. If this happened say about 10 years into the marriage, I'd be done. Its the GOOD history we've had. It wasn't all bad. Yes, she's admitted to emotionally straying in the past, and this time was the only time it got physical. But her definition of "straying" differs greatly from mine, in that she says she developed infatuations with someone else about years ago but drew the line at anything physical and she eventually came around. (Of course I know this is BS, but its what I have to believe). I've checked out several times as well, feeling so emotionally distant that I thought we'd never stay the course. But it always came back to her and I. We ebbed and flowed.

NOW is the time we're both trying to work on the M, see our mistakes with each other, and keep committed to keeping the family unit together. After all this, we really do like each other. She is now more involved in my mental health issues and LISTENS to me, instead of walking away or trying to give advice. I, on the other hand, have become more involved in HER hobbies, her fitness career, and we're trying to share a common bond now.

I just gotta let time do the healing.