"Emotionally support" is part of a process of showing her that I am her best option if her A does come to a conclusion
I understand, and DBing is all about listening and validating. My comment was specifically about you validating her comments about her home life with OM, just do not ever do that again in the future. You do not want to pander to her when it comes to OM, because that's being a doormat and no one finds a doormat attractive.
Originally Posted By: parkema
but I feel what she is saying has nothing to do with being "manipulative and controlling" nice guys don't do this
I'm a reformed "nice guy" so take it from me, we ARE controlling and manipulative. Heck when I read your posts here you are trying to control and manipulate US!!!! You don't see it, but we do. And this is EXACTLY the problem with "nice guy syndrome"- nice guys are controlling and manipulative but -think- they are not, and they spend all their time trying to convince others that what they are doing is the best course of action (does that sound familiar to you?) They can't break out of their problem because they don't think there is a problem with themselves. Just please, read the book. For me it was like someone held a mirror up and what I saw reflected was not good. I did 180's on that crap, and even now years later I'm still checking myself on that behavior. I have a feeling NGS is a lot of the reason you are here today.
Quote:
1. Moved out of the FH - "You're not making yourself attractive to her. Attractive is strong, confident, independent." how more stronger can I be than to leave my boys at the FH with her?
Let me ask you, if you were on the outside looking in at someone else, and you saw some guy dropping his sons off at his former home with his CURRENT wife and her live-in affair partner, would you say "wow that guy is strong, confident and independent!" Because I would say "wow, that guy needs to grow a pair." I'm frankly a little shocked that would think that THAT is a show of strength to your W! A strong person never would have left the home to begin with. They would have said "W, if you're going to pursue this A then you need to leave." I'm not trying to beat you up over what you've done, just help you see what your approach needs to be in the future.
When I met my W, I worked out, rode motorcycles, played sports, built hot rods, would leave on a moment's notice to ride to the beach for the weekend (called it "gonzo traveling"), went canoing and slept in a tent, etc. THAT was the guy she was attracted to, not some super sensitive father type. When W left me and I turned into a quivering mess, everyone here said "you need to get back in touch with who you once were." I realized I had lost touch with that "rebel" I once was and had turned into a domestic guy mowing the yard, doing laundry, mopping floors, commuting to my white collar job every day. THAT IS NOT ATTRACTIVE. I mean sure, women admire and respect a guy that gets stuff done at home. But what I am saying is that is not the sort of thing that gets them excited, makes them think about you when you're not around, makes them fantasize about you. By the way I did follow everyone's advice and got back in touch with who I once was, but I have the benefit of being older and wiser now so I can be sophisticated, domestic AND a "bad boy". I have a very young, very attractive girlfriend that is nuts about me, and I'm sure a lot of that is because of my changed attitude.
