25yearsmlc 10 yrs later I File D (part 4)

[25yearsmlc]

Interesting weird but good experience.

Had an amazingly bad dream the other day. Was in a house h & I owned and he had replaced the carpeting with sheets of the same color (nothing like yanking the rug out from under me).

Heard him talking with OW about their future dream home, met her and in my dream she's a muttering hillbilly, but she held a baby really close to her face so I couldn't slap it I guess.

And the neighbors came over to tell me they thought I knew b/c "everyone knew".

("Dear subconscious, can't you be more original?? Why not "hit me in the head with a hammer"??)

ANYHOW of course i felt gross. It was ruining my day, but I had an appointment with my T.

T was talking about how much energy it took me to maintain the illusion that h was a good father even if flawed, that he really loved our family (and me) and valued our time together.

I like to think it was once true, and that he changed...but she's right, I spent so much emotional and mental energy buying into the wrapped up crap about how THIS job that was only 4 hours away during the week

was for a pension/opportunity or that he had to "take care of his mom - out of state, check out a job somewhere else", etc etc

Fact is, h has been out the door for awhile and my enabling the pretense didn't do my kids any favors. They saw thru it and saw me pretzeling myself to believe in him.

And he's been a weird $h1tty man to me all year now. He's NOT a guy who wanted to spend a lot of time being a dad/h. That is now, self evident and I don't mean b/c he left. But b/c MY blinders are off. At least for now.

His fb posts are crazy - hurtful - but crazy looking.

I guess right now and for the past few days, I'm thinking I may have dodged a bullet.

If h could leave me behind in CA for the tundra (and was actually THERE when I had my first seizure on the east coast)

then he'd bolt if I were in a car crash in 2 years or was paralyzed or had a stroke in 20 years. He has not been there for me for a long time, with a few spurts of involvement now and then (enough to convince me that he was in the m, and maybe he was but not fully).

He's not reliable and he's a lousy partner for ME. If he completely changes for OW, then I guess he'll have learned something from how lousy he was with his original family.

But at this moment I feel a sense of freedom from someone who would not have been good to ME again.

Maybe the nightmare hurt me so much I have a protective wall of detachment growing.

And I'll take that any day.

off to Beantown to keep d19 out of jail for the assault/arrest.
I know she'll prevail ultimately, but this ain't cheap and it comes at such a lousy time for me personally (not that it's fun for d19 either). She's terrified and furious.

Nope, h does not know any of this. & Certainly not paying...

after Monday I'll try to scramble for college money out of the universe b/c I literally do not have it. I can pay my rent till the July hearing.

But that's for future 25 to worry about.



Now, back to my detachment