T0, all is not lost, but one of the main principles of DB is not to talk about the R when your H has decided to leave.
All he is doing is looking for validation he's doing the right thing. He WANTS these arguments. He WANTS the nitpicking. He WANTS to feel like you're overly emotional and want to control him.
He is trying to bring those out so he can reassure himself. Engaging in these discussions allows him to search and find things about you that makes him feel better and more confident in leaving.
Before I left, my H was trying so hard to pick a fight with me. I wouldn't let him. My mother was up helping me pack (and serving as a double agent since she was being nice to him to gather intel) and she saw him do things like mention something he was worried we'd take to her, and she'd confirm it, and then he'd seek me out in the house to tell me, too. It was totally unnecessary and he did it hoping he'd upset or anger me. I would not let him have that. I was neutral and brief. "Ok. I'll be careful."
I also heard the weird confusion between "I" and "we". He'd "we" me when he needed my cooperation. I was the one bringing it back to "me". I didn't let him lump me in, because he doesn't get to do what he did and then count on me to help him avoid consequences. This is what I see your H doing with these texts and calls, in addition to trying to bait you into negativity.
You've got a major pursuer/distancer dynamic happening. You both see the world very differently. You want togetherness to soothe you, he wants space to soothe him. You want to talk about problems immediately, he wants to ignore them, hoping they'll just go away (or that if he were with the right person, there would be no problems.)
You started stopping your pursuit, and your distancer doesn't like that. Classic. He wants you back in the role you've always played for him - needing him, wanting him, and making it known. And, make no mistake, by getting angry or hurt and allowing him to see that, you give him these things. You make him feel powerful and like he can come back to T0, Plan B, if he wants to.
You are no Plan B, T0. He chose to walk out, and you get to not participate in the same old games. Do not allow him to bait you into anything resembling pursuit. What you want is to learn to self-soothe and rely on yourself. You want to recognize that H is separate from you, not an extension of yourself or "the family." Right now, you want different things and that means you get to choose how much of yourself you give him. I think it should be very little, because the sooner he experiences the reality of his new chosen life, the better for you.
I think you see every opportunity of H talking to you as meaning it's possible to turn things around in the short term if you can just find the right words. That is pursuing behavior. T0, you will not get a healthy R without time apart where you grow confident and happy and he starts to take a hard look at his own behavior. You can only free him to do the latter by getting out of your own darn way and stop providing him ammunition.
Distancers do not change or really evaluate their choices while the pursuer is still pursuing. You have to stop, because that is the only way you get what you hope for - an H who might choose to examine himself and how he got here, and has realized that you are still the strong confident woman he fell in love with, that he perhaps has some depression issues or looking for happiness outside of himself, and that things can get better. And, yes, maybe he needs to see that the grass isn't greener with any OW.
I'm hurting about H likely dating. But I also tell myself that if I were a friend of mine looking at this situation, I'd say to me "Well, that's actually good. He's not likely to find someone amazing like you, and once the limerance ends, he'll be forced to remember all the good qualities that you have that he took for granted." T0, that applies for you, too. You and H had something special, and he assumes he can find it elsewhere. He thinks the grass is greener. Let him figure out that it's not.
Overall, it's time to decide. Do you want to help H leave you and feel good about his choice? If so, keep engaging in these discussions.
If you'd rather give him zero ammunition to soothe himself about leaving you, it is now up to you to enforce boundaries. No R talks. If he starts on the phone, find a reason to end the call. If he does it in your presence, say in an upbeat voice "You know, H, I don't think I want to talk about this." Keep all bitter tones out of any conversation with him.
You also need to try to validate him when he says things like "I miss the kids." "I can see why. That sounds really tough."
T0, remember all your friends from DB looking through your kitchen window and supporting you to remember and employ the new rules? It's time to picture that again. Because you won't get H back following your instincts; you will push him further away. You seem to have some mutual codependency happening and it's best for you to get the one to amicably put up some boundaries that reflect the new reality that H chose. You're not at his mercy, T0. You don't have to do what he wants.
You sounded so great yesterday, and then you allowed yourself to get sucked in, because you needed him to know that you knew about him looking for a house. What did that get you? To me, that was you being a pursuer and trying to make him change his behavior based on the fact that you "knew." But you're not his mom, T0. This is an adult man, one who has left you, making plans for his future. Why are you choosing to take that so personally and why do you think, after leaving you, he has an obligation to "not lie" to you? You aren't together and he doesn't owe you anything, unfortunately.
You don't seem to be coming from the place where you accept that he wants things to be over, even if there's not legal S right now.
So what if he's looking for a house? That would be great for the boys if he finds one, because unlike most WAH, he'd have enough bedrooms for them to visit.
Do you have the DR book? If so, pick it up and read it again. It's okay to be hurt and scared, but come here for help. With H you need to be acting "as if" while taking great care not to do anything that looks like pursuit, and while focusing on yourself.
