Here again part 8

[25yearsmlc]

T0,

I know having the newborn makes this incredibly confusing & so demanding (and probably hormonal).

But T0, as much as you are spinning, and being bogged down & mired in the crap,

you have been here before...and imo, that makes some things clearer...
Not easier, but clearer.

What did you tell yourself before, what your path would be if it happened again?

Does your h doing this again after having a newborn, make you want to stay married to him more,

or less?

Here is what I learned this week.

My T mentioned how much emotional and mental energy it took for me to maintain the illusion that h was into being a family guy when it was just no longer true. The reality is he went to Alaska a whole lot - & usually lied about it. He put a lot of deceit into things I probably would have been okay with, too. Ironically his cowardly behavior was avoiding something that was unnecessary but it hurt me a lot to learn of later. Far far more than I'd have felt if he'd just asked to do a selfish thing (or something important to him that didn't bother me anyhow.)

As always it was the lying that ate away at my confidence.

He lived away from home with various excuses but in retrospect, it's pretty much self evident he didn't want to be a full time dad, and that's just a reality I must accept. He'd wrap it up in packages of "we need the money/I'm just checking out a job/helping with my mom" for 7 of the past 10 years off and on. And I allowed that. It's as if the fact that it wasn't Alaska, made the difference??


I simply could not believe who my h had become... I kept trying to convince myself AND the kids that h was someone he wasn't anymore. (That pretense of his and my enabling it did some damage to the kids).

I like to think He changed. I like to think he was once a very involved dad and h.

As horrible and challenging and overwhelming as it is to unravel a marriage of 35 years,

I'm starting to have days where I think I may have dodged a bullet.

If H & I remained married and I had been in an accident in 2/10/20 years & needed long term help, there is no way he'd have my back. No "in sickness & in health"...

He'd let me down again. This past fall I really needed him when I got sick. I was terrified and yes, needy. And he was AWOL.

I am beginning to see him as unstable & unreliable, and capable of truly poor choices.

I have felt differently about him now for the past few days. Even though he betrayed me in every way a h can betray a wife, I am beginning to see h has done me a very wounding & painful, but ultimately valuable permanent favor.

Our s31 said that I am "bound for so much more happiness than I'd have otherwise".

T0, that is how our only son sees this^^^.

So be mindful of romanticizing what would have been, if you and your h remained legally married. Sometimes we have to see that the value of an authentic but separate life, is better than an intact family with dysfunction and dishonesty. You're young, You can make it financially without your h, and you have family support nearby. If your h is capable of lasting seismic change, that's great. It sure won't come about by continuing this dance. As someone else wrote, you're a hardcore pursuer and it's getting you nowhere fast.

I'm sorry T0, but as of now, Your choice is Not between a bad divorce - OR a happy intact marriage and family. I don't think that is the choice life is offering you now.

T0, there are times it's very hard to know the difference between projecting our own situation onto others

and trying to share our experience and the insights we gained. I'm trying hard to balance the 2. I apologize if I'm blurring the line.

Actions are actions, and inaction is an action.

So again, what would your 2014 self have told your present day self, if you could see where you are today?

We are rooting for you and your boys.