That being said, if you could predict the future and tell me that my H would do the same thing in 10 years, then I would walk. I would find a new way of living as a single parent and make the best of it. I understand. Sorry, no crystal ball here. SOME will argue that the best predictor of the future is the past, and it certainly is A factor
but it's not the only factor in predictions. If it were the only factor, no one would ever enter a recovery program for being an alcoholic.
There is def a pattern in people having As or leaving the M when things get hard or there is tragedy. That does now seem to be an unusual occurrence. Perhaps instead of looking at how their betrayal hurt us, we shift perspective and realize it was less an intentional assault on the M and more of their inability to cope with life's hardships.
^^that's fair. Good insight.
In your case, with your mil just passing, I'm one of those people who sees that as too vulnerable a time for your h, for you to bolt.
Interesting you would review the m so much, at the same time your h faces loss like you faced - when he bolted...
I don't know if our Hs are similar, but there are certainly patterns in people that have avoidance behaviors and those that turn to external factors for validation.
Though they don't seem alike in some ways, my h needs a lot of verbal admiration & he said as much in MC.
i think i was too angry & disappointed in him then, to ponder that deeply enough.
To be fair to me, I complimented him far more than he complimented me, but I could see his ego's need for affirmation about his appearance and the working out, get too high. The last 2 years, it was annoying actually. He would announce on a daily basis what his exercises were and what his weight was and his recent achievement
he was obsessed with working out, running, talking about HIS WEIGHT - OMG...
and probably pushing off his mortality fears.
I don't see my H as a selfish or arrogant person. Well in this ^^^ respect our h's are quite different. My H is very selfish. Of that, I'm certain. No question. H did what He wanted to do and resented it when h was not able to get his way. the only thing of importance I ever said "no" to, was going back to Alaska...so he took the choice away from me, ran off and now blames me for ALL of our ills.
It's an amazing revision of our m. Sickening but pretty crazy. And hurtful, blah blah blah.
he's also Very confident, which I found attractive, though in the past few months, 3- 4 people have said he is arrogant. I didn't ask for that feedback, and i'm not yet sure what I think . Maybe there's a fine line.
He is actually quite easygoing, kind, generous, and perhaps sheepish at times. He is not a go-getter. He stands back, observes, and then goes with the flow. Good news, they are not very alike.
My h is "always striving, never arriving." It's one credential or goal or adventure (for him) after another. And virtually all of his goals require sacrifice of others, without appreciation or reward for them/us.
For awhile H would SAY that it'll pay off for all of us but looking back, I'm surprised I didn't confront the insanity.
i distinctly recall asking h if he thought more money for another year away from our d's was ever going to matter to them. I asked "you think more $$ in our 401k will make it up to them?"
And h said "yes when they see how much..."
he was wrong. Epic fail on all counts.
Ugh.
I think when things got too much to handle, he didn't have the strength to stand up to me. He was the Nice Guy and kept acting the part of family man. He silently grew to resent me. Meanwhile there was OW flattering him and validating his unhappiness with me. And so it goes .... this seems to fit a lot of WAH's...
and so it goes... I say this because if I understand how things happened, I hope that it can be prevented form happening again.
^^ that is the only legit goal of looking backwards, in my opinion. But even that has to be dropped at some point.
The phrase I am working on adopting is something like "the more you look at the past, the less of a future you have" or something to that effect. You don't have to figure it ALL out before you move on. You could move on and when something triggers an insight or reminder, you can then look back for a bit and say "Aha, I see that...and so back to the now" and get back to your present life.
Maybe
He seems to realize how flawed his thinking was and how selfish the behaviors were.
I admit it, I'm envious. I recall h SAYING that his bff Dan had told him to prepare to "eat some crow" and that h said "I'm looking forward to it!" as if he was going to romance me back into the m, fully, etc.
I mean, I think that was his interpretation b/c he did not sound sad. (The real & possibly only remorse I'm sure of, was in Retrovaille).
As for the "eating crow" comment, I never made him eat crow. I never lectured him or asked HOW he could have been so selfish.
I never probed. WTF was I thinking?? Not saying I needed to punish him, but I sure should have wondered more about how he could be so selfish/dishonest. It was the lies that ate away at me.
Blu, I now think maybe I could not face the reality that I was m to a man who really no longer was very into family life and it was kind of a drag for him.
He knew that view didn't "look good" so he threw me some bones and things that NOW seem insane to believe,
but he'd wrap up major time away from us, in packages of "Just checking out a job/trying to get a pension/spend time with my ill mom/moonlighting ELSEWHERE b/c we need the money" AND then he'd resent me!
etc and I accepted that.
It has been over 2 years since he left OW. When he left, he didn't look back and described relief. When I read posters that have a S that still has feelings towards the A person, I just cannot imagine. My hope for my M lies in the understanding that this was a hard time, a giant mistake, and that we can both grow/change from it. I don't think I could do this without that. Oh absolutely. For anyone to try and recon after an affair, your h's behavior and comments mirror what we'd all hope for. Kudos to him for that, and if I recall right, you did not "keep the road home, paved or smooth" so even more kudos to his credit, in a way.
("25, let's not go overboard with the kudos to h"--understood! )
more later
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
