Please consider reading Not Just Friends. It tells a lot about where your walls and windows should be. You are determined at all cost to defend your affair partner, just like your WAW.
You say things like "there are litterly no upsides to a life with W. None" really? Cmon, really? How about D having both of her parents? That's not an upside? What about honoring your commitment to your vows? That's not an upside? See you know darn well, if you think about it, there could be upsides - you just don't want to see them because you are "in love" with this new perfect person who you could not find a bad thing about if you tried.
I'm taking something from this. This is why I held on, and why I continue to hold on.
Please consider reading Not Just Friends. It tells a lot about where your walls and windows should be. You are determined at all cost to defend your affair partner, just like your WAW.
I realize that you're suggesting that for me to better understand something about myself, but having looked at it briefly, there is WAY too much pain there wrapped up in STBXW to get anything out of that other than more trauma right now.
After skimming the first couple of chapters, I feel like throwing up. I knew all of that intuitively half a year ago. Suspected some of it in the early stages. Knew it with complete certainty the day after ILYBNILWY. Asked STBXW what the hell she was thinking when she planned that trip.
Seeing it in print just makes me want to go away and curl up into a little ball.
Rough day. Actually got some productive work done, though.
MIL had a heart cath this morning. Nobody had told me about it (she was in the hospital a few weeks ago and they found problems with her heart function, but I didn't hear about followup). STBXW texted tuesday night and asked me if D and I could take MIL to dinner last night. Responded "Yes."
Was pretty bad when we got there--we didn't end up going to dinner. I don't think MIL would have made it to the car, she looked awful. D and I just spent a couple of hours with her instead (D fell asleep after 30 minutes or so, though). Really worried about her.
Didn't see STBXW at all. Had to drive passed her house at 5mph twice (she and MIL live 200 yards apart on the same rocky rutted hillside) and wasn't even tempted to stop. I view that as a significant accomplishment.
I've tried to stop doing things for her. I would have D call her every morning and every night (but D almost never calls me on the weekends, I have to call her). So I stopped that this week. She can talk to D anytime she wants, but I'm not going to be the one making sure that happens.
Talked to GF for a while last night. Pretty sure that's the last time for the foreseeable future. Both of us agreeing NC is best, at least for the next month or two. Really sad about that.
I've said a total of seven words to STBXW this week. Really happy about that.
You read a book and it makes you feel sick, and you say "nope" and put the book down.
You said yesterday that you were ready. You were ready to start confronting some things about yourself that cause you to work against your own self-interests.
Are you planning to do that without going through some hard stuff and some significant pain? If so, I'm wondering what your plan is.
Running for all of your life has gotten you... where? Have you found happiness or are you in the emotional version of the movie Groundhog Day, where the same heartache and disappointments keep happening? If so, then that's not a coincidence.
To me, it looks like women are your drug of choice. Love and focusing on how to make a woman love you keep you distracted, and you're convinced that's the way to happiness. But it's not. If it was, it would have worked by now.
I'm probably taking this personally because my H has TONS of work to do on himself but he avoids it. He told me about a year ago that he was "scared' to confront it because it was all so painful. And he ended up sabotaging his life again and running away. He wants to run and avoid, and I was a sacrifice so that he could keep doing that.
So, for you, when does it stop? When do you do more than lip service? And do you honestly think that your life will change in the ways that you want it to change without confronting some painful things that have led you astray?
Running from your pain is running from yourself and your issues. And it will get you in trouble. You have to work through it and take valuable lessons from it. It can very well be the case that you are not emotionally strong enough to deal with it whole ATM. But as you grow stronger, you will develop tools to deal with it and you can begin tackling various aspects of it. Make no mistake, you do have faults and it will benefit you greatly to work through them. You will also learn a lot of yourself during the process. Some aspects will be painful, but not nearly as much as avoiding your issues yet again.
You Sir, are an avoider. In your view avoiding problems makes them go away. It does not...
Just to be clear on this: you're suggesting that I need to relive the trauma of this year to heal?
No, Cadence and Vapo (and now me) are just saying you can't bury or ignore your pain and grief. If you do it'll just come out at some unexpected time later, and be 10x worse! You've got to let yourself feel the pain and go through the recovery process. Don't fight it, let it happen. I am NOT a crier. I never, ever cry. In fact there was a time in my life that I wondered if it was even possible for me to cry. There were times I thought I should cry but couldn't. After BD? I would cry all the way to work (30 minute commute). Then I would cry all the way home. Then I would gather myself to walk in the house and greet the kids, then go and lock myself in the room and cry some more. It was absolutely horrible, I hated crying so much but I let it happen. Eventually it tapered off and then stopped, and then I learned to live with the pain, and then I learned to start living again, and then I learned to start loving life again. Don't push the pain away and pretend it's not there, that's all we're saying. Let it happen, the fastest way to recovery is through the pain, not around it.
Hey EastTN how have things been going? I know we, myself included, were rather firm with our 1.5 X 3.5s (not taking any chances since the 2X4 lawsuit - Google it if you've not heard) but that is to help not harm your progress. You've had so much going on that I know it did not just magically shut off or resolve itself. Hopefully you'll catch us up and let everyone know what steps you've been taking to work on you.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
1.5x3.5 gave me a laugh (I'm familiar with the suit).
My status:
1. Basically NC with STBXW for two weeks now. She tries to talk to me. I don't bite unless it's about D. I actually got a text asking "why are you so angry with me?" That made me even more angry, and I just want to yell, but it's not worth it, anymore. Divorce should be final in less than three weeks. Wanting the fantasy has been burned out of me.
2. D is starting to show signs that this is getting to her. She likes talking about how brave she is that she doesn't cry. When she does cry, it's the saddest thing ever. I had to hold her this week and she begged me to "please marry mommy." Made me like STBXW even less. On Tuesday, we went out for dinner. Getting out of the car, she was mad at me and threatened to "beat me to death." I told her that we don't EVER talk to anyone else like that, under any circumstances. When I asked her who had told HER that, her answer was "mommy." Made me like STBXW even less.
3. GF and I are back together. I still have work to do on me. She still has work to do getting through her hurt and anger over Father's Day. We both agree that we cannot do that work for each other, and that we both need to do our work. It's going well. I realize that no one here has a high opinion of this choice, but I'm not changing this one.
4. In NJ visiting family this week. REALLY looking forward to it. Not having family near is tough on many levels. I haven't been "home" in about three years.
5. Birthday was Thursday. Should have been, by all rights, a terrible day. No presents, no cake, no one singing happy birthday, just D and I out to dinner by ourselves at her favorite restaurant (which is actually a nice restaurant and not anywhere you'd expect a six year old to love). Instead of being awful, though, it was great. I got birthday greetings from all over the world (literally), and a stack of handmade cards from GF, with instructions to open one every 30 minutes. They ran from the time I woke up until the time I pick D up from school in the afternoon. Some (most) were punny, some were sweet, a couple were romantic, one or two were risque. No one has done anything that nice for me since Bill Clinton was president. Spent the weekend with GF and some of her extended family that were visiting. Being in a large group of strangers is usually a recipe for me to either shut down or end up exhausted after burning all of my energy being social. Instead, I had a GREAT time. Can honestly say that this is the best birthday I've had in decades, and probably the best weekend I've had in even longer.
We had a "biggest loser" contest at work, which ended Friday. In the last 9 weeks, I've dropped 24.8lbs, 8ish% of my body weight. I'm 3lbs shy of being down 90lbs since all of this started.
GAL goes ok. I started writing again, which I haven't done in years. It'll be something I can read to D when it's finished. She liked the first chapter quite a bit. Writing replaced flying in my GAL plan for now (anxiety + depression = grounded pilot). Soccer goes ok when weather cooperates. Skipped this week and next due to travel. It makes me feel fantastic (not during... I want to DIE during).
I'm being a good dad. D gets her friend times, and her homework time, and I cook for her three nights a week (we have one daddy-daughter date night normally. Two this week because of birthday), make her lunch everyday. We read together every night. Quality time will pick up end of this month when I start getting her on weekends sometimes (I won't get her 3rd because divorce won't be final yet, but I will get her 5th weekend because there is one). I'm looking to having some great times with my kid.
Trying to find a little more "me" time to help with GAL and self improvement.
My C told me not to read the suggested book, that there was nothing to be gained in doing so.
TL;DR: For the first time in quite a while, I'm almost fully functional, actually KNOW what I'm doing, and am not afraid of my future.
D and I just spent a couple of hours with her instead (D fell asleep after 30 minutes or so, though). Really worried about her.