Thanks for your replies "Anotherstander" and "Coconut", I'll get around to replying directly to your posts soon. First I want to go into what happened last night.
I had a bit of a breakdown last night. I was playing squash with a friend and I could feel myself getting angry for no real reason. In the end I kind of snapped and smashed my racquet to bits. That ended our session. When I hopped in the car to drive home it all sort of hit me at once and I broke down, there was no stopping it. I cried like I had never before but I was also angry for the first time during all this. Just as I was going through this moment my W called to see if I wanted dinner when I got home. I could barely talk and told her that I need to go to my sisters for a bit as I wasn't good, which she could clearly hear.
I had a talk with my sister, who has been my main support through all this, and felt a lot better afterwards.
When I got home my W and I had a talk. I told her that there was only one thing I needed from her at this point, one thing that I don't think I had really asked her. All I needed was to know that, regardless of her feelings towards me ATM, did she genuinely want/wish for our MR to work. If she didn’t, there was no point in me being there anymore. In more or less words, she said yes. She said she wishes she had feelings for me, they just aren't there right now. I’m happy with this. I’ve read enough books lately to realise you can't just simply turn those feelings back on.
Looking back at our last 8 or so months I think I’ve come to realise we have been going about this all wrong. We have sort of just tried to go back to normal and see if everything fixes itself. We were trying to fix too much too quickly. We have been flailing in the dark, and failing. I told my W we need to get help, real professional help. We need guidance. She is booking in to see a psychologist and I am booked in to see one next week. I told her that I want us to go to some joint sessions together as well. She agreed to all this.
I feel a lot better after last night, like we have taken a lot of the pressure off ourselves already. I think I needed to get out what I did as I had kept it bottled up. I hope this is a step in the right direction.
