I had IC today. It was apparent that I've made a ton of progress in the past week. I'm really focused on me and am shifting my priorities to making my life the best it can be.
I have started my diet and I'm looking forward to slimming down and feeling better in my clothes and body. I want to feel good about how I look, especially if I start to put my feet in the dating pool in a few more months.
I've been bleaching my teeth at home. Funny how much of a difference that makes.
I told my IC my exercise goals and asked her to hold me accountable at our next appointment for them, as I try to start forming new habits. Ones that require me to get up extra early, and I am not a morning person, y'all.
I had a hair appointment today. I got some cut off, and will be going back in 4 weeks to get more cut off. I'm going to end up with a long wavy bob, which will hopefully hold up better as my hair continues to fall out over the coming months. I love my long hair, but I've been through this before and it takes forever to grow back in.
I am also changing my hair color color to be a little more low-maintenance and make it easier to be out in the sun without worrying about it fading. H really liked the color I had it. It was his favorite of all the colors. Well, I'm not keeping it the same color for him anymore because he left me! I also, for the first time in my life, have to think about grey roots. I'm thankful that my skin looks youthful for my age (if I do say so myself), but my hair is a different story!
For grad school, I'm entering a period where I have to be self-motivated, and so I am organizing a writing group with some classmates to keep us accountable and have deadlines. Motivation is very hard to find when your entire life got turned upside down and it was out of your control and you lost your home and (what was to be) your family.
For work, I'm finding I'm able to focus better lately. Our new hire is this very sweet genuine woman, and it feels like we're forming a good friendship. Hopefully it continues that way.
Now the yucky stuff:
It's been two weeks since I or my lawyer have heard anything from H or his lawyer. This is unusual. He is the one in a rush to get the house on the market this summer, not me.
My lawyer said he'd been thinking it over and thought I should just ask for H to pay me a sum up front (still TBD about what I think is fair - I can't seem to decide) and then wash my hands of it.
I can't help but feel H's silence is bait. I know him. He's wrestling with something, which may just be that reality of what he's doing to his financials is hitting him. Also probably the fact that he's lost the feeling that he's able to control me, and his ego likely has taken a hit that I'm not chasing him like he anticipated.
It's bait. He wants me to contact him and ask him what's going on. And this is so hard, because I know that at least a small part of it is him missing me.
I did a session of DB coaching and it was truly amazing. However, the action step coming out of it was that I'd ask H to meet to talk about the house and I'd sit there and have PMA and validate. And... I just can't push myself to do it.
I know H, and he is wrestling with family of origin issues about women that all got projected onto me. As such, he forgot that I'm awesome and have dignity and integrity, and he made all of his plans to sell the house out from under me based on an idea that I'd be his Plan B. Surely I'd be begging and in frequent contact. But that hasn't panned out because, well, I have self-esteem?
He seemed to confuse my stability and consistent love for him as my being pathetic. He thought that I thought I couldn't live without him. He was wrong.
Doing what the coach recommends to me makes me feel like he will have confirmed those things for himself. "Aha!" he'll say. "It took longer than I thought, but I knew she'd come around and chase me."
He is a major distancer. I used to - in my younger days - be a major pursuer, but in recent years I am able to control my actions and choices. Sometimes my emotions don't match up, but I figure as long as I'm working on that, I'll get there some day. And even though I wasn't a big pursuer (I gave him more space that he seemed to want), his ex-wife was. As I said before, she was harassing him on multiple fronts. She didn't stop. She even had their daughter harassing him on her behalf, which was extra painful for him. So I think that even though I wasn't the pursuer, pursuit was happening and my H had some sort of a breakdown and began hardcore distancing.
Meanwhile, I don't think any real change has taken place with him. I'm fairly certain he probably found another woman to date and distract him. I'm fairly certain that he had her over to the house, to feel like an extra "FU" to Cadence. He needs time to be alone and for a crisis state to arrive before he will ever consider that he is depressed and that his unhappiness is from inside of himself.
I also don't think I'd be doing it other than to try to get him back, or start the slow road, and I'm just not sure that's a good idea right now. Not for him, but for me. I cannot be happy with him until he addresses his issues, otherwise he just turns them on me.
I felt ashamed to admit that I'd talked to a DB coach and didn't follow the recommendation. So I held back that information. And maybe I'm not following it because I'm a big chicken or because I don't feel good about how I look right now.
Who knows? With that successfully confessed, I'm going to go grocery shopping. I'm going to a party at a coworker's house tomorrow evening and need to pick up some hostess gifts/munchies.
