The house thing isn't a control issue for me... as much as it is the permanent decision of him leaving me behind.
It's not permanent, though. Houses can be sold, tenants can be found to live in them and pay the mortgage... It's only in your head that this is The End and that's why it's so scary. Nothing is permanent in life except for death.
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How do I save my M? What am I supposed to do?
The exact opposite of what your instincts are screaming at you to do.
You are supposed to do nothing. You are supposed to let H go, knowing that the space he seeks is possibly just what is needed for him to process things in a way that don't involve blaming you for his unhappiness.
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I feel so lost ... part of me wants to shake him and say what are you doing we have this beaitudo family.
I don't know how to say this in a way that isn't going to hurt, so I'll just say it. He's still the father to those beautiful kids and he still has a beautiful family, even if he's not with you. Your M is the glue to that family and if he's leaving it, then the kiddos and you will still be a family and the kiddos and him will still be a family. But this idea that the family is always 5 people with you and the kids as a package deal, and he's leaving the kids because he's leaving you, is false.
I mean, look at divorced families. Some get along and say they're "still a family" but conditions have to be right for that. More commonly the parents move on and welcome new spouses and - maybe - new kids, and that's the new family unit.
Unfortunately, families do divide. They aren't the end all be all.
Do your best not to lump yourself in with your kids. Parenting discussions/communications should be brief, informative, and focused solely on the kids. Don't lump yourself in because H will just see that as pressure, and it may cause him to back off from the kids.
Most of all, this man has three kids. Don't shield him from that reality. The more you can do to show him what it will be like to be the single divorced dad to 3 kids, the better chance you have of that not coming to fruition.
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Why aren't we enough ???
T0, this is from your own childhood. Whatever is driving you to fear that you aren't enough and you aren't worthy of love is driving how you are reacting to this situation.
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The other part of me wants to say I know what you've been doing I know what you're up to please don't insult my intelligence and walk away.
This is better, but until you could say something like that with a genuine smile on your face and without any sarcasm or venom, you should not say it.
T0, you are a hardcore anxious pursuer. Your H is a distancer. You are not the same person. You are not enmeshed and exactly alike. What feels like the source of survival to you feels like suffocation to him. He's in crisis mode and he naturally wants space. He is thinking of buying a house because that is something he can control. That's why it's attractive to him.
If you do not give him space, your marriage will end. If you do not learn how to thrive in that space and use it to refocus on you and enjoying your life, man or no man, your marriage will end. If you do not get a handle on your anxiety that causes you to act out in ways that work against your cause, your marriage will end.
T0, we are not powerless because we are more than our emotions and our insecurities. You are more than those things. What can you do to feel more in control of yourself and not so buffeted about (recognizing that you're still in shock and are - very understandably - grieving)?
Do you see a counselor about your anxiety? If not, would you? Have you tried things like yoga and meditation, things that help us understand that mind, body, and reality are all different things that we have a degree of control over?
I wasn't around years ago, but I took a peek at some of your threads near the time of R from the first time around, and you were doing SO well. You knew you were a whole and worthy person with or without H. You were busy and doing things you wanted to do. You did it once and you can do it again.
