Newbie in limbo after wife's infidelity

[Coconut]

Forbet, I'm going to quote a few of Sandi2's recent posts, because what I think you need to do is try and get an understanding of a WW mindset, and the mindset that exists after an affair.

My suggestion for you right now, is give her space. Be friendly, be kind, be there for her when she approaches you (validate), but give her time and space. While she's getting space to work on her, you keep working on yourself. I'd recommend reconnecting with friends and doing lots of things with them, or doing things that will help you make new friends. It will really help you to be passionate about life, and passion is sexy to her.
1. If your sleeping in the same room, do not pressure intimacy or relationship conversations at bedtime.
2. Don’t initiate any conversation talks, only have them if she initiates and make sure you validate her feelings, you don’t need to agree, but you need to verbalize that you understand how “SHE” feels about it.
3. If she questions why you’ve backed off, offer up that you’ve noticed that she’s struggling with trying to figure things out and you want to give her the space she needs to figure out what she wants.


Here are the quotes:

All in all, it wasn't too much time until I decided to go NC with OM, cold turkey. And that experience made me a true believer about the addictive power an A can hold. I can't remember exactly, now. I know the first 4 weeks were hell. The first 4 months were hard withdrawals......and around 6 months it began to taper off some. But it would take about 2 years before I began to feel like I wanted to put effort into my MR.

The WW has to go through a process, which can be very agonizing and long, if she has years of resentment and disrespect, as was the case with me. Although similar behavior patterns, each woman is an individual story. Every woman had problems and issues in life that may have had no connection to her having an A........... and those problems are still there when the A ends........plus the destruction the A caused. The pre-affair and post-affair complexities often require guidance from a professional therapist, in order to piece their life back together......and certainly, piece the M.

I'm not sure what you mean in question #2. To try and give a shorter answer to #3 & #4,
I have always needed at least one person I could talk to about problems. However, nobody in my world knew this woman I had become. I was not ready to reveal to my family or friends, b/c if they knew the truth, they would have been shocked! So, the need to talk to someone was getting stronger. One night I decided to reach out for guidance, and I sought a Christian chat room or forum (can't remember). I must have chose an off night, b/c I quickly moved on.......and saw something about divorce busting. Along with the information I was receiving, I began seeing a few cracks in the knight's armor. So, I think timing played a big part, at least for me.

I did the hard work. I am still with my H. I am still here, but not as a WW. A former WW, passing forward (I hope) the favor that was given to me.

AND she had to decide it was time to change again.
Just like the LBS has to decide that it is time for them to change their behaviors.

Thanks, Cadet, for pointing that out. Let me also add, and I hope this will help Parkema........for me, it started with a decision to "do the right thing". Well, let me back up just a little, and say it really started with me wanting to talk with someone who understood. I had really no desire to jump back into my MR with both feet. I thought I had no energy left. At the time, my feelings for my H had certainly not changed from negative back to positive. I really want the LBS to get what I am saying here. How many times have I read the threads of some H who desperately wants his W to end her affair........and when she finally does end it, he is hurt further b/c she does not immediately fall into his arms! It took time for her to fall out of love with her H (the feelings of being in love), and then she thought she was in love with OM, and then she ends that R and is expected to immediately feel in love with her H again? It doesn't work that way, from what I experienced and have studied. She has to go through a process. For me, it started with turning to help (and I got it here on the board) and then it was a matter of doing the right thing.....instead of doing what my emotions wanted. Let me tell ya, my process was long. Making the decision to do what is right is just the beginning for her. Until then, I see no way for a successful reconciliation. She could sit around for a lifetime, waiting for loving feelings to prompt her actions. And that can become a crutch for some waywards, by saying they have no feelings. For me, I had so many years of resentment that it worked as a roadblock to the right feelings, along with remorse and other issues I would need to resolve. Thus, the answer for why the process took me so long

Although I had not behaved accordingly, my moral and spiritual beliefs were still implanted deep within me. Personally, I don't think a wayward suffers much with feelings of guilt (at least not enough to change her direction) at the time of acting out in rebellion, b/c WW's have a sense of entitlement and self justification. Many LBH's want to think their WW feels guilt, but even if that's true.......the mindset of the wayward is going to trump guilty feelings, at least during the peak of the rebellion. When my H confronted me, I felt like the guilty kid who had been caught with her hand where it didn't belong. I mean, he had solid proof! I even cried! 24 hours later, I took the affair deeper underground.

She has to end all contact with OM. If she feels no remorse, it will come when she truly releases her resentment, entitlement, justification, and score keeping. If she continues to throw up the past, then she has not let go. I did not bring it up, I just held on to it. This is one of the areas that couples often need professional help while they try to heal.

Let me quickly clarify something about the WW feeling guilty during the upside of her affair. Her heart has hardened. It has become cold, especially toward her H and the naysayers. However, she knows right from wrong! Her attitude is, "I don't care if it's wrong, this is what I want". There was a song by Barbara Mandrell, "If Loving You is Wrong, then I Don't Want to be Right". Talk about a song of wayward attitudes!

Anyway, back to making a decision to do the right thing. Before I actually made that decision, I told one of my mentors that I felt as if I had stayed in my M for the sake of my children, and now was I suppose to sacrifice my last chance at happiness for the sake of my grandchildren.......was there no time that I could do something for my sake? Good lord, that embarrasses me, today. It shows the sheer selfish mindset of a wayward wife who saw herself as a victim of an unhappy MR. Although I don't often recommend MC for those who are wayward (b/c there are many who will encourage the wayward to divorce and to find what makes you happy), advice (good or bad) can reach the wayward. Many MC's encourage the H to pursue, have date nights, and that type of nonsense. This is waywardness we are talking about, and that kind of advice is not the type that 's needed. It's better if the timing is right and there is a therapist who understands the wayward mindset. What I mean by the timing being right, is that I had willingly come to the board, in search of help. I was at a crossroad, and wanted someone to tell me why I should stay in my M. I wanted more than dime store "stuff" that I had read for years. If you could have seen how many books I read over the years! Btw, before finding this forum, I had even went to a highly recommended counselor in my area. Upon hearing about my affair, she immediately told me I had done nothing wrong! What? Of course I had! I was wayward, but I had enough sense to know right from wrong. I never returned for a follow up session.

I had to make a decision. Would that decision be based on what I was feeling, or would it be based on what I knew was the "right thing to do"? In spite of my negative feelings, I chose to follow the moral and spiritual values that had been planted many years ago. I don't say this so someone will think I'm exceptional, I am trying in my own weak way to explain that we often need to make decisions that our emotions don't like, and that's just a fact of life.

As a WW, making that decision was one of the hardest things, b/c it meant I had to do follow the logical, smart, and best way, instead of the easiest. It took me about two years, after making that decision, to get to the place to start working on my MR. That doesn't sound encouraging, I'm sure. I went a long time before actually telling the board members, b/c I knew how discouraging it must sound to newcomers. But finally, after seeing so many who did not understand why the WW could not respond as well as the LBH wanted, I started telling them just how long it took me. That's not to say it will take every WW that long. Each WW takes a different span of time to process what is needed.

Limerence is dangerous, IMHO, b/c of the destruction one can cause while under the influence. Another thing I want to point out is that once she comes through the state of limerence, there is absolutely no guarantee that her feelings for you will return. However, in time, it is quite possible. In some cases, the WS will D and M during their time of limerence, only to realize later their mistake. By then, the former spouse has moved on with a new life. Karma can really be a b'tch.

I hope you don't get dizzy while reading this post. Sometimes I tend to jump around with my thoughts.