Having found Sandi2’s Reflections thread today, I’ve realised everything I have done up until this point has been a typical “Nice-Guy” approach, so bare with me.
Yeah, most of us here were like that. Here's the thing, our W's were originally attracted to us because of our alpha behavior. We were strong, independent, self-sufficient. We hook up with them and get married and have kids and become very beta- we take out the trash, do the yard, help with the kids. So what happens when our W loses the attractiveness and goes WAS on us? We double-down on the beta behavior! We cook, do laundry, clean the house! That is NOT what we should be doing to try to win her back. What will attract her back to us is the alpha stuff. That's why we talk about getting back in shape, losing weight, changing your wardrobe, start wearing cologne if you don't, get out and get a life. Become the alpha male you once were. In the process you start loving and respecting yourself again, and THEN the WAS might start finding you attractive again.
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My W could never tell me exactly what went wrong and didn't seem to want to try and fix the MR. I wanted to try everything there was to save the MR but she was never interested, instead saying that it wouldn't change anything, she can't change the way she feels.
And you need to respect her feelings, because right now all your efforts are telling her "he just wants me back, as usual he is all about what HE wants and not what I want." Give her time and space.
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I wanted to try everything to try and fix our MR, she did not.
Yeah she just sees that as you forcing your agenda on her. Remove all pressure.
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Which confused the hell out of me. Why wouldn't she want to try fix our MR after 15 years together?!?! It confused my family and friends as well.
Because she was trying to get your attention for months or even years. You probably saw it as complaining and nagging and shut down on her. So she quit trying, and you thought things had gotten better because she wasn't nagging anymore. So then BD happens, and you're shocked. It seems to have come out of nowhere. But for her it's been going on for a long, long time.
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I gradually started to come to terms with the fact that she wasn't going to change her mind..
Not anytime soon, but eventually she might. This takes time.
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“It” being the fact that she doesn't feel anything for me. She says she loves how much I have changed, how I am with the kids, how I am with helping around the house etc, she just doesn't have any intimate feelings for me anymore.
Yeah that's the alpha versus beta thing I mentioned above. You're a great housekeeper, father, etc. And that is FANTASTIC. But that's not what's going to make her attracted to you.
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But this time it got me thinking. I’m really starting to question why I am still in this MR. I’m getting nothing out of it while she is getting everything she wants out of it. What am i doing here if she is emotionally in love with someone/something else??
YES, that is a very valid question to ask yourself. Why are you trying so hard when she's not even willing to lift a finger? Maybe you should quit trying to fix the M and work on yourself instead. Because if you do that, then you will WIN whether the M is saved or not.
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She is worried about making a big mistake and losing me.
You WANT her to worry, you WANT her to miss you. We all have made the mistake of trying to be there for the WAS no matter what. We make the perfect Plan B for them, the backup that they know is there if their primary plan (usually OM) fails. But guess what? If we're so willingly in reserve then they don't have to fight for us, or do anything at all. They just know we're there like a puppy dog, waiting for them to come home. So they don't feel any urgency about it, they can just keep chasing their dream indefinitely while we sit there waiting.
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As I’m writing this I am, for the first time, considering going home tonight and telling her it's over.
That would be a very alpha thing to do, and surprisingly a move like that can snap the WAS out of their dream and make them realize the LBS is more important to them than they thought. But here's the thing, you can't do it as a strategy because she may very well agree. If you do it, make sure you do it because that's what you want.
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My W is quite normal around me. Happy, talks about the future, calls, messages throughout the day etc.
But no intimacy, so I would say things are not at all normal, correct?
