So we had our second MC session and it was rough because we addressed the big elephant in the room that she feels unsafe and I feel like her interactions with OM feels like an invader.
The counselor basically encouraged both of us to start thinking about "I" rather than "the marriage". Basically she reinforced what is discussed in the DR book. I am relieved W is now exposed to this approach to basically translate unhealthy thoughts, emotions, behavior to healthier expressions. It turns out W has her own fears just like I did but it will be interesting to see if we both start exchanging this type of language.
Counselor was emphatic to W but called out that the depression is way deeper than the M.
My goal (which I know will be challenged but I am going to have to be resilient) is to not add any emotional turmoil until we see the counselor again on Monday. If successful it will have broken the chain of subsequent weekends where something happens. Anytime OM is brought up I get unhealthy thoughts. Any other situation I am easily able to validate, nod, and just relax.
W also seems worried that if she asks me to go to dinner that I think everything is fixed. Despite me telling her this will take a long time and that no I won't see it as fixed. But what IS true: anytime she takes a step closer she takes two steps back. Now that I know her fear and now that SHE knows a way to possibly break that cycle perhaps we can all relax.
W. did implement the technique after we got home.
It's amazing. We never set our M up right and I think that has made her to think that despite being together for almost a decade and having quite a lot of good times as well that she thinks we are just not compatible at all. I am stubborn enough to think that I would like to try being a better person and as such having a much better situation.
But sandi2: she mentioned to the counselor how early on she wasn't sure but kept hearing her friends say he is a nice guy. That I was like a father figure. She did grow from someone who thought she had agoraphobia to now someone who wants to explore. So you are pretty spot on. BUT the depression is also a major factor. And the counselor said she doesn't think it's the marriage but that it goes way deeper into her past.
Anyway. Baby steps and I need to stick to not having emotional turmoil even IF she is talking to OM. Hopefully, she now realizes on her own how that is not helping matters.
