If you are confident you're stable enough to spend some time around him without letting emotions overwhelm you it might be ok. But I don't know you're there yet.
As far as what Train is saying, I don't really see a conflict. The question is not whether you take him back or not, or whether you are ok with another woman or not. None of this is ok with you, and he's not asking you to take him back. So none of this seems relevant today. What is relevant is what kind of person you want to be.
As of now you haven't been able to come up with a good answer for why you aren't confronting him. You said "it wouldn't change anything" and "it would only make him hate you more" which is a start. But I can think of much better reasons than that. I personally think giving some serious thought to this question is one of the most productive things you can do.
You're doing good T0. Keep it up.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/21/1701:07 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
TO- I have a fear for you. I am afraid you don't want to confront the cheating because if he comes back, you would like to sweep it under the rug to have a better chance at reconciliation. I feel like the EA and untruthfulness may have not been dealt with the first time around. And as you see, when it isn't deal with, it resurfaces.
I am not saying deal with it now. Would I? Yes. because I swept my ex's cheating and untruthfulness before we got married by ignoring it out of fear he would just run away. Look where that got me!
Let's say you leave it alone now. If you do reconcile, you are going to have to deal with it. It can't be an elephant in the room.
For me the key is that WAH is not asking to make the marriage work, he has basically declared that he is no longer a husband. To me this is very different than if they were living together and going to counseling still. In this situation I can't forsee anything constructive coming out of a confrontation.
I understand the point about T0 placing a value on her self respect. I think she can do that by conducting herself in a way that rises above her anger.
T0, can you call a DB coach? I really think this would be the best move at this point. Have you done this yet?
This i
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I went tonight. Had a good time with the kids. Didn't say a word about anything and didn't talk much with H except for the drive there and home just if he made a comment about something.
Ginger I do not want to sweep anything under the rug. We spent a lot of Yule in counseling before discussing it.
I just think if he is seeing someone again it's not something I'm willing to accept. By that time it's fool me twice shame on me.
I know I'm the lone wolf on this, at least in this thread (gah, I miss Starsky! Lol!), but it's no secret how I feel:
It *does* matter if there's an OW. Why? Because if y'all just drifted apart, then I would agree that all the validating, etc. is a smart move. But when he's attracted to another woman, you being a validating doormat is *not the answer*. It will drive him further from you. He loses even more respect for you.
As Wonka once told me (one of the most compelling pieces of advice I received): YOU have to be the OW to the OW. No woman attracts a wayward man by kissing his a$s and validating him while he's walking out the door ... turning his back on his own children ... to be validated by another woman. That is NOT attractive.
What is missing is his respect of and for you. And you sure as heck aren't earning it back when you're swinging from being controlling and nagging to being sweet and validating.
There's a way to strike a balance between creating and enforcing strong, healthy boundaries to protect yourself and your children and also being neighborly friendly to your H. My strong advice is to find that balance - and soon. And stay consistent with it.
As long as I'm around, you won't be the lone wolf.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
