When you share your story of H abandoning you in your most vulnerable time, it pains me. Ultimately the reason we even get M is to have a partner we can depend on when life gets rough. It sounds as if he has not been available to his kids in their times of need either. And he is simultaneously boasting about OW as the "love of his life?" It's unbelievable, unnerving. How can you not wonder if taking him back 10 years ago was the right move? You can't tho, because that is passed. As you say, you did right by your family and there is more honor in that than walking away.
That being said, if you could predict the future and tell me that my H would do the same thing in 10 years, then I would walk. I would find a new way of living as a single parent and make the best of it.
There is def a pattern in people having As or leaving the M when things get hard or there is tragedy. That does now seem to be an unusual occurrence. Perhaps instead of looking at how their betrayal hurt us, we shift perspective and realize it was less an intentional assault on the M and more of their inability to cope with life's hardships.
I don't know if our Hs are similar, but there are certainly patterns in people that have avoidance behaviors and those that turn to external factors for validation. I don't see my H as a selfish or arrogant person. He is actually quite easygoing, kind, generous, and perhaps sheepish at times. He is not a go-getter. He stands back, observes, and then goes with the flow. I think when things got too much to handle, he didn't have the strength to stand up to me. He was the Nice Guy and kept acting the part of family man. He silently grew to resent me. Meanwhile there was OW flattering him and validating his unhappiness with me. And so it goes ....
I say this because if I understand how things happened, I hope that it can be prevented form happening again. He seems to realize how flawed his thinking was and how selfish the behaviors were. It has been over 2 years since he left OW. When he left, he didn't look back and described relief. When I read posters that have a S that still has feelings towards the A person, I just cannot imagine. My hope for my M lies in the understanding that this was a hard time, a giant mistake, and that we can both grow/change from it. I don't think I could do this without that.
I am off track again ...
So that is not just a flaw, is it? Okay so he is back, has all the remorse, etc, but I still go back to "but you did THAT to me, to us, to the kids," and it doesn't go away.
why won't it go away? I'm asking.
I want to be able to answer this. I don't know. There have been several times in the last two years where I saw hope, especially when we started Retrouvaille. Is it a deeper issue that I cannot answer until I explore childhood abandonment issues? I wish I understood better. So even though we have worked through things, I have come to realize that I don't have the bandwidth to handle/accept those other (smaller) "flaws." Basically I am still a bitter, scorned woman. Yup. That's me.
Sorry Blu but I'm still not clear on this^^^. Are they small flaws or big faults or what?
As in any R there are going to be things about another person that we don't like. As we stay with them, and love/accept them, those things are manageable, or even become apart of them we admire. There are also things that always bother us, but we let it slide, because ultimately the good outweighs the bad. When we question if we can even stay with someone, those things we consider flaws weigh in more heavily.
My biggest example with H is that I don't feel he has my back. I am such a loyal person so it hurts me deeply that I don't have his support. Someone could hurt me, and I see that he will still show them kindness. I feel that his close friends/family suoport him and only see his side. I feel that that is a reflection of him, as they have not spoken to me about these things. When we argue, he will use these peoples words against me. "Well my brother said XYZ." I cannot even desribe the fury this evokes in me. Why do other people get an opinion about my M?!? I talk to my support people about our issues, but they do not have judgments about my M or him; they will support me and us no matter which way it turns. I feel that he (even if its subconsciously) rallies people against me. I could be wrong, but this is how I feel.
Even the therapist he saw for a couple years would tell him his opinions and judgements about me. The same IC that saw him through his A and all his bad choices. Then H would tell me "well my IC said XYZ," as some sort of way to convince me that I was wrong about something. Again, I feel so hurt and angry about this. I feel cornered and as if he is somehow painting me as a bad guy to these other people.
I don't know if that makes sense. Again, I am not in the best place these days. ... I liked the story about Dan. Yes, there will always be Dans if things will ever change. I wish I was as strong as Dan.
Thank you for the time and helping me think a little bit more clearly. I don't want a perfect H, I am not going to run away, and I don't even mind being alone anymore. I just want to understand if this M can be saved and if not, I don't want to continue on such a painful/difficult journey.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
