This is a very interesting topic. I remember when I ws pregnant my asked me to promise him I would not love our child more than him. I told him I couldn't do that. I told him the love I have for him and for our child are two very different kind of loves. We only were together for the first 6 months of our daughters life, when she was completely dependent on us, but I always made sure I treated him as a husband (little did I know he was cheating on me since I was pregnant). My ex remarried his OW at 31 and she is 5 years older and wanted kids, but he did not. And I know why he did not. The full-time parenting gig would mean that he would have to share his wife all the time. Although I wasn't a helicopter parent in that 6 months, I know he was fearful of the having the same woman who is the mother of his child as his wife. He is a needy individual. So, he's got it just as he wants it now. I am pretty sure that's a part of the reason he engaged in an affair.
I have been single for 9 years. I introduced my daughter to only 2 men and that has been in the last year and a half. The first one it wasn't an issue because it was a LDR and we were all only together once, the three of us the weekend they met, once for a weekend when his daughter was there too, and then again when the 4 of us went on vacation together.
I have been in IC for 2 years mostly to help me manage post D relationships. I was recently with a guy for 3 months, and she knew my exBF before we began dating, because I attended the gym class he did and my D9 came. So we couldn't hide our R. I feel I did a very good job of balancing the two. But it was certainly an adjustment to have a man in our home spending time with us and often. One who is not a parent himself. She adored him and he got along well with her. My D9 is welcoming to men in my life because it's been just the two of us for so long, she really enjoys it. But I know how it hurts her when one leaves, so there is certainly no revolving door. Also, we had one parenting disagreement. My D9 is a good kid, but when she goes to bed, she has to call down a few times to "make sure I didn't leave" She will get out of bed to make sure I am still there. he couldn't understand why I tolerated it. He also wasn't a parent. My daughter has been going between two homes her whole life which is pretty difficult. If she needs some reassurance to feel safe, I give it to her. Something he just couldn't understand.
It's been me and my D9 for so long, we do have a different relationship. And she is an emotional partner in ways. She brings a light to my life, I comfort her, and she comforts me. I was extremely mindful though of her not being the center of everything while also not being neglected or excluded. When he broke up with me I was very hurt. I found myself being hurt because of the loss of him and I. I was hurt for my D because she was hurt too, but when we had the convos while breaking up, I took mind even then to make it about us and not about her. (he was 9 years younger than me, and when we got serious he realized kids of his own are a must, and when he would be ready, I would be too old).
It's good you spoke up. I would hope a partner would do the same for me in a loving way, because I might not be realizing what I am doing because reality is, its been just me and her since she was a baby, and yes, she has been the center of my universe for that reason.
Hope that made sense. Dating a single parent as well as dating as a single parent has its own challenges. Heck, being a parent, especially in this society, one very unlike our parents raised us in is challenging!
