I am very grateful, and also slightly overwhelmed, by your post so I am going to tackle it piece by piece without any fanciness--just my simple and honest answers!
In regards to your anecdote and my messy M tapestry: so what I think you are saying is the stats around infidelity are not clear (black and white) because we don't know how it is measured. Plus, and pretty obviously, are people really honest about it? Ha. NO! So here is my glass is half empty response (because I am a total pessimist): if infidelity is very common (which I gathered from the Ted), well that depresses me because I am forced to accept that people don't value monogamy in the way I do. Are there less people in the world that are trustworthy and loyal? On the flip side, if her data on infidelity is skewed and it is far less common that I thought, well then that bums me out because my H is more of a dirtbag than many other men. It's just a lose-lose anyway you spin it.
Regarding the time machine: I am working on it with toothpicks and tinfoil, and I'll let you know what happens. So no, I can't go back in time. Sigh. I would if I could though. I liked what we had before. I don't mean right before BD--things were going sour, I just didn't see it--but back by a couple years. I can only change now what I probably needed to change then, and I am still working on it, but I don't think I needed this level of disaster to look inside myself. I mean, maybe we could have went to MC? Or separated? Don't say it, I know, I can't go back in time.
How do I know what other people have? I am not referring to what I see when walking down the street or on social media. I am talking about real people that I know, or that have shared with me, that have good Ms. I didn't say perfect, never perfect. But I have several friends that genuinely love and trust their spouses, have mutual love and respect, and are both overall content with the M. I also meet so many older couples that have been married for decades--20, 40, 60 years--and truly love and respect one another. I ask them the questions. They tell me. (people tend to open up to their nurse about all things personal) What I find is that most long term Ms have not had large conflicts or betrayals. They just work. I had a patient today tell me he had been with his wife 38 years and they rarely ever argued. I mean, I can't ever know what life is like for other couples, but I honestly believe the chit that I have dealt with is pretty extreme.
OR maybe I was smart and loving (as a mother and wife) to put my ego & pride aside, to examine what really truly mattered to me and our family. To keep us intact.
I don't know. Sigh. Truly, I don't. ... Like I said, if for so many years of my life this A went against my belief system, and now I have compromised it to stay, then I have to better understand why. I have heard the argument "don't stay for the kids," and I have heard, "there is no better reason than to stay for the kids." They both make sense to me. For me, I don't think ultimately that would be enough for me. I want something more than that here. I want to feel as strongly about him now as I did and know I can. For me that means learning to forgive, trust, and respect.
Yes, I want to put a rational spin on irrational behavior and I cannot.
(getting increasingly overwhelmed by the length of your post, head is spinning, losing track ...)
lol. I need a break ... I'll be back ...
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
