I did this. I always put D first. I felt like I was supposed to. Everything I did was D first, W second, and me last, if at all. W says she did the same (though I'm not convinced of that).
D's not my emotional partner by any stretch, but I thought I was honoring our marriage by putting D first. I didn't understand the negative consequences of that until it was too late. I really didn't understand the negative consequences of "not caring about me" until it was too late, either.
The kicker is how to not put D first in a relationship with someone who isn't her mother. The dynamics there are a bit different. Single dad first, everything else second place. I'm guessing from what you're saying here that THAT isn't going to work, either.
Hi East, You've heard plenty of me today, huh? I'm here because Coconut asked for my advice, given that my H was a product of his mom making him into her partner and elevating him above her husband (but she also made H into a family scapegoat. It was all very twisted.)
This is my personal opinion, but I believe that modern parents have, well, lost their minds with this idea that children can be central to their families and that they can neglect their spouse because the spouse will still be there when the kid(s) are grown. There's also this idea that losing your identity to be no more than "parent" means you're a good parent to your kid, but I'd argue otherwise.
Neglecting a spouse in favor of kids is going to erode connection with your spouse. And making children the central focus of families tends to create kids who are entitled and somewhat helpless.
Don't get me wrong. I know children need to be loved and made to feel emotionally safe. But one major item that makes them feel safe is a stable home life with happy parents who are connected to one another. With that in mind, I wonder if the self-sacrificing child-centric parent understands that putting their kid first doesn't actually put their kid first because it is also eroding a major source of stability for those kids?
As for putting your daughter first when/if you repartner with a new woman, I can weigh in on that one too as a stepparent. Do it at your own risk. Honestly, if you give validity to the idea that you need to protect your child from a woman you supposedly love and think highly of, then you're not ready for another relationship. If you've chosen wisely and gone slowly, to allow your daughter to adjust (even if she's not thrilled, because who is thrilled to have divorced parents and a new adult in their life?) then there is no competition and no threat.
Keep kids as kids. Making them into little adults is too much pressure for them. They're not capable of being an adult decision maker because they aren't an adult decision maker. Literally, their brains are still forming. They aren't mature. They are adorable little bundles of immaturity and self-centeredness because they are kids with kid brains. That's why they need adults to be adults. They're helpless and lack experience!
What they need is to be allowed the innocence of a childhood (making them your companion or central to your life robs them of this) and to see their parent happy and fulfilled. Watching hwo a healthy relationship works - which does not involve de-prioritizing the adult person you love to be at a lesser rank than a child - is good for them and they get the best chance of finding one for themselves one day.
So, people who are putting your kids "first", are you really doing that when you break it down like I have above? Or is it really all about your own insecurities...?
