Feeling like I just want to lay it all on the line of what the truth is.
H I have known X Y Z you ARE getting a mortgage even though you have insisted you aren't.
Why does he continue to have to lie to my face about everything?
If this is what you want why can't you just be honest and say what you're doing to my face instead of lying and then thinking you will blindside me?
Also I want to send his boss a message. I have typed it out just to release some of my feelings. 'I'm not sure what your opinion is on H's decision to walk out on our family but I was hoping you could offer him some words of wisdom. We have 3 boys including a newborn and we miss him'
Why would the discussion of him buying a house have come up? I thought you were going to back down from the R discussions. You have got to get control of this.
Is he lying to you? Absolutely. Is your tracking of his vehicle causing you to cycle and act out in ways that are detrimental to your marriage? Absolutely. Please stop keeping tabs on him and stop your endless list of his lies. Let his life be a mystery to you and let yours be a mystery to him.
We've all been telling you to live as though he is gone so that you can detach and move forward in a way that will give him space and you peace. But you are refusing to do it. You wake up each day ready for a new round. I know you'll say this is just venting and you are being sweet in person, but I find that very hard to believe. Your hostility, anger, emotion, etc. have got to be coming across.
TO, please stop pushing him further away because you keep telling us that you want your marriage to survive. Please go back and read the beginners materials in the books and the links because you are not following the process and you are escalating your situation at every turn instead of de-escalating it as you should be.
Everyone here cares about you and your kids and wants this to work. But you have got to stop.
There is no hostility or anything between us because we do not interact at all.
If he texts me regarding the boys I reply. If he texts about anything else I do not.
When he stayed the night Monday I was nice offered a blanket but then stayed in my room doing homework. I sent a text the next day thanking him for staying. I literally have probably said 10 words to him in the last 3 days.
It's just nobody in my life wants me to save this marriage. They all tell me he's gone and done and is buying a house and lying to the point of not even wanting to see his kids. Everyone tells me to let him go and don't look back. That he's already erased us from his life.
It's hard to here. It [censored]. I just want my family to be happy. I want to cycle out of this.
Forget everyone else. It is what you want that matters. You may not even be able to fully decide that now, which is why you have to de-escalate the situation. If you have been, wonderful. Keep it up. And stop talking to the "everyone" who wants you to kick him to the curb. Find one or two trusted people who at least respect your right to make this choice for yourself.
Maybe he buys a house, maybe he doesn't. Who cares. Houses can be sold.
Maybe he has an OW, maybe he doesn't. Who cares. I know you think this is the end all and be all, but it isn't. I already see you wavering on this, so just let it go. You aren't going to stop it if it is happening. Let it run its course. Stop tracking him.
These things are symptoms of what he is going through. He's a very messed up guy. He needs space and distance. Give it to him. Give it to you.
Mine vanished from the kids for 3 months in the throes of his "love" for OW1. I could have been cold and hateful and made sure he couldn't come back around, but I believe that the kids are better off having him in their lives. I would rather that they saw his flaws and came to understand that he may not be the dad they wanted, rather than have him be some mythical figure who is unknown to them and one they may assume I chased away and blame me and then have no parent they feel is there for them. He is now coming around very regularly to see them. Apparently he is coming today to take D driving. Will it last? I have no idea. I will not see him or talk to him while he is here.
I know he's told you he isn't staying for the kids, but I have to think that because the kids are so young and he is going to miss so much of their lives, that has to have an impact on him. Let him come to them, love them, spend time with them, and hurt every time he leaves them and does something rotten like see a concert or hang out with some other woman rather than spend time with them.
I know I'm the lone wolf on this, at least in this thread (gah, I miss Starsky! Lol!), but it's no secret how I feel:
It *does* matter if there's an OW. Why? Because if y'all just drifted apart, then I would agree that all the validating, etc. is a smart move. But when he's attracted to another woman, you being a validating doormat is *not the answer*. It will drive him further from you. He loses even more respect for you.
As Wonka once told me (one of the most compelling pieces of advice I received): YOU have to be the OW to the OW. No woman attracts a wayward man by kissing his a$s and validating him while he's walking out the door ... turning his back on his own children ... to be validated by another woman. That is NOT attractive.
What is missing is his respect of and for you. And you sure as heck aren't earning it back when you're swinging from being controlling and nagging to being sweet and validating.
There's a way to strike a balance between creating and enforcing strong, healthy boundaries to protect yourself and your children and also being neighborly friendly to your H. My strong advice is to find that balance - and soon. And stay consistent with it.
I'm bowing out because there doesn't seem to be much more I can contribute for now. I do wish you the very best, T0, and will continue following. I wish I could snap my fingers and you wouldn't give two rats' a$ses about whether your H is coming or going. You genuinely deserve that peace. Probably more than anyone on these boards.
P.S. I know you're getting stronger every day, even though you don't feel that way at all.
And one more thing: your H doesn't deserve you.
BIG hugs and fist bumps!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
The only things I validate my H on at this time involve the children. When he spends time with them and is kind to them, I show appreciation for that. I certainly don't validate that he is messing around with another woman, telling lies, etc.
I guess my point is TO, it is something you aren't going to change. You won't "mean" him to stop and you won't "nice" him to do it. He is going to do what he is going to do. I try not to focus on things over which I have no control, because that leads to sheer madness.
Will I find that balance on my own? What is the balance?
I haven't 100% confirmed OW. But I mean this is unfolding the same as before. I don't think it's a PA but I DO think he is talking to someone and having his needs met elsewhere in that sense.
I guess I feel like me keeping quiet when I know he is lying and doing things behind my back is allowing him to continue to walk all over me... I remember he used to lie to me last BD and one day I just said h we both know that isn't the truth. Don't insult my intelligence and walked away.
I want to do whatever is going to have the best results. Do I want to save this M. Right now I think so but I don't know what that looks like. I don't know that it will last but I would like that opportunity.
I feel like this is a ticking time table. If there is a PA I don't think I can continue on and if he buys a house I don't think I can do that either.
So I say this please do not bow out. Hold my hand a little longer. I'll get better in time but I am trying to hang on. I'm struggling and I know you guys are getting frustrated with me. I just feel like my whole life is falling apart.
I don't want to lose my family I don't want to see my kids 50% of the time. I don't want to miss holidays with them.
Accepting that you have no control over the timeline of a spouse's affair is not the same thing as accepting that you are powerless to change yourself or ultimately your circumstance.
