I'm okay. Traveled home to family for father's day and had some long talks with my mother.
I learned that during H's call to my mother, he acted as if my moving out was his idea. Meaning he was just so great and mature that he could let me go and free me from the bills, because we "grew apart" and I was clearly "shocked" to hear that we'd "grown apart."
As if the "shock" and "growing apart" stuff wasn't annoying enough, I was so darn proud of myself for moving out. (In my situation it made sense. He went from a kind sweet guy to emotionally abusive. He had two kids, I had zero kids. I had to be the one to go. He was purposefully excluding me.) I told him that I had to go and I couldn't pay bills in two places, so he'd be on his own once I left. He hesitantly agreed.
His version of leaving me seemed to involve me staying and living with him and his kids while he excluded me and until the house sold, at which time he'd move out while experiencing minimal consequences. Yeah, no. The fantastical thinking of a childlike MLCer is the only thing I can think of as to why he thought I'd do that.
So I left, and I'm proud of myself, because I had to focus on me. I had work and grad school and it was just a really bad environment. And he is now presenting it as his choice, one born of maturity and enlightenment.
I'll remind anyone reading this that a week before BD he - out of the blue - told me that he not only loved me, but cherished me.
So, I don't know what to think. On one hand, I know he has to have publicly acceptable explanations, but I'm finding them hurtful. It feels like one more thing he's taking away.
It's been almost two weeks with no lawyer stuff. He has one too, now. I respond when I hear something about the house from my lawyer, but otherwise I just leave it. He wanted this, so he can drive.
Unfortunately, in these stretches, my mind wanders and it makes me have hope that maybe he's realizing he didn't make great decisions. Unfortunately, as soon as this really takes hold, I'll usually get a call from my lawyer!
So, hanging in there. My hair is falling out from stress. This is a side effect that I hate. I lose up to a third of it beginning about three months after the event that caused me sorrow and shock. And clumps are starting to fall out into my hands and it feels like another defeat.
On the GAL front, I'm starting my diet to lose a few pounds I've put on since leaving. I'm starting a new exercise program. I enjoy male attention, but limit it to husbands/boyfriends in my friend group. It's good for my ego to keep hearing "Darn it, Cadence. He's an idiot. He's going to wake up one day and realize he let something special go."
Also, a newly married guy friend heard my news and whispered in my ear that he was "so sorry to miss the boat" with me. Meaning dating me when I was single. His wife was two feet away. I had a different reaction, considering he is capable of such smarminess - thank goodness he missed the boat with me! He's not a good person.
I'm also refocusing on grad school. I'm starting a writing group with some of my classmates to try to get my research done and graduate on my timeline.
It's all about me me me. I'm going to up how attractive I feel - as much as I can with my hair falling out from the stress of heartbreak - and graduate, and be the best I can be. I miss him, but I feel like I've made strides toward detachment, and I can clearly see my life without him, so things feel a little easier.
