Who's fault is this again? Can I forgive her?

[kml]

Irish, you're doing a great job. I know it's a very hard thing, to walk the line between encouraging reconciliation between your kids and their parent, versus supporting your kids and validating their very real, justified feelings.

You're doing well with it. The only thing I would add is that your WAW, more than most, shows some clear signs of mental illness. Perhaps emphasize this to the girls, not to make them have contact, but to help them understand that this has nothing to do with them, she is sick.

Then keep doing what you're doing - making sure your girls have a great childhood and don't miss out on things because of her absence. You get a gold star!

[bttrfly]

Happy Father's Day Irish! Hope you have a wonderful day with your girls xoxoxo

[Irish M]

Hi Everyone. Bttrfly, thank you for the happy fathers days wish.xx
It was an amazing weekend. So many of my friends on FB wrote the most heart felt messages that brought me to tears. They have seen my girls shine through all this and have witnessed XW's , lets say MLC performance.

I also participated in a 6KM Mudrun. Its a run uphill for the most part and 16 military obstacles in mud of course. It was amazing. My girls want to join me next year. So happy.

One point I didn't make yesterday is that on several occasions you have pointed out that W has missed big occasions without any contact for example Christmas and birthdays. Yesterday you could have been writing that she didn't even make contact for yet another big event. That I believe would have been more damaging long term.

Hi Roist :-)
Yes she sent flowers, D16 wants nothing from her such as gifts or letters that are empty. I did email her and said thanks for the flowers. Didn't tell her that D16 threw them away. Just a plain thanks. I did say it's sad she missed out on a special day. Also added that I will need signatures for travel plans soon and I hope I can count on her.

She didn't reply. it's ok. Not expected. She did however email the girls. Wishing them a happy summer, love mom.

So I guess nothing expected until D16 turns 17 end of July.
that's fine.

Your D's suffered more than mine at BD and my youngest D does see her mom for about 5 hours a week. The other three don't because that don't want Any more pain. I understand your daughters reaction and my thoughts are that the only option you had was to dismiss it as quickly as possible with minimum fuss which you seem go have done.

Hi Rd
It's always nice to have your support. Having my D shake it off was the best thing to do. She is so much stronger now and self protection is second nature to her. Shame they had to learn this at a young age especially against their own mother. I agree with you, one day they will have some sort of relationship, time will tell what kind.

I look to you for inspiration in being more present with my own kids and making sure that they do not miss out on any opportunities they would have had if we had remained intact. I'm going to take my S, who loves the outdoors, hiking, white-water rafting, kayaking, and skeet shooting this summer. Not things I'm especially looking forward to (except the rafting) but it is what he deserves. Thank you for the inspiration!

Hi Ownit :-)
I'm so happy you are stepping out of your comfort zone. Those memories you will share with you kids will be forever. If I can inspire 1 person here to be a better parent, support and rock for their kids , I am happy.
Skeet shooting ? really. wow.. that's one I need to add to my to do list :-)

I truly do hope one day your ex takes TRUE accountability for what she has done to your D's. Only then will a relationship be fostered.

Hi Ginger :-)
me too, me too. I agree that only when she puts them first and accepts what she has done could a discussion with them even start. D16 has said it over and over that she won't fall for her games again. Once was enough.

....and I side personal note, something you made me realize......

I had mentioned my mother was mentally ill and pretty much laid a lot of blame on me when I was 17and my dad left. It was all about what I was doing to HER. I think if my mother was still alive and somehow she truly apologized for the pressure and blame she put on me, we would have had somewhat of a good relationship. I just wanted her to stop blaming me and everything else for how she felt and consequences to her actions. That's all I wanted.

And this is probably why I blame myself every time a relationship ends....... Ahhh, those FOO issues.

My heart broke the first time you mentioned this to me, and reading it again i still feel the pain in your words. Its the blame part that is the worst for the children. They already feel like they might have contributed to her running away, her blaming them just emphasizes that. It's a horrible things to have a mother do that to her children. Hugs to you Ginger

As we all know, projection and MLC go together. Those seemingly outrageous statements your exw makes? It's been written that you often can make sense of their statements if you simply you turn the "you" to "I." In which case, your exw would be telling the truth to her kids: "I abandoned you."

Hi HaWho, yes, this I remind the girls of constantly. Projection is a huge issue with her. I truly hope one day she will see it as that and start the work to repair the damage.

This is what makes me 100% sure MLC is a real issue and not some made up thing
too many of them have similar behaviors

Hi Peace :-)
yes its real , I have no doubt either. The sad thing is I see it everywhere now. I see it at work and in my neighborhood. Not sure if its a epidemic but its scary. It's like when I got my jeep, all of a sudden I saw jeeps everywhere lol. I can't help XW but I sure hope I can help my 2 D's from repeating it.

I feel sad that your ex could not be there for your D16's big event. I feel sad for both, your D and her Mom. Your ex is going to face a hard truth one day, and it going to hurt like h#ll to realize that she was not there.

Yes me too Bright. Hi:-).
D16 seems to handle it better and better., She sees the glass half full and she strides to wake up each day not dwelling on negativity. She really is a source of sunshine in my day. D14, shes more Oh well , my moms loss.
Its sad. But we are having a good time living the life we enjoyed before BD and continuing to do the things we enjoy. I'm really lucky.

You're doing well with it. The only thing I would add is that your WAW, more than most, shows some clear signs of mental illness. Perhaps emphasize this to the girls, not to make them have contact, but to help them understand that this has nothing to do with them, she is sick.

Hi KML :-)
yes sadly it was the girls who first told me their mom was not well. She would act very differently, almost paranoid. Pushing furniture in front of the door and assuming she was being followed. This didn't last long though. Then she put a post on her secret FB page of her butt, asking " anyone want to join me for a run" Added a map to our house and her run on google maps. Then she started posting things like" I hate it when the voices in my head go quiet. I never know what those Fckrs are thinking."

The girls witnessed all this as they found her FB way before I did.
They know she is not well. They don't feel sorry or pity her. They just want to avoid her. One day if she wakes up and shows them her old self , or a version of it. I think that will be the opening of discussion.


Lets all keep doing what we are doing. Worst thing tho do is sit back and let life pass by.

Hugs to you all. Thank you for the amazing support and words of wisdom.
Irish

[Irish M]

So tomorrow me and the girls venture off to the States fora 4 day kayak-camping trip. Our dog and one of D14 friends is joining us. Should be an amazing time.

This is the last permission slip to the States or to any other country I had XW sign in January 2017
My lawyer is looking on how to get around that with minimal costs.

We go to the one place every year, sometimes twice since they were born. XW loved it as it was her paradise.

So today naturally the girls get an email from her. They call me to see.

Pink is her message.. black is my thoughts

Hi Girls, school is almost over and you both worked so hard actually School has been over since last week, yes they worked extremely hard. How would she know?

I want you both to have a great summer. already stated by her but that's ok.

I just want you to know I saw my dad this weekend for fathers day. He isn't doing well. Might not make it to his birthday in July. now XW threw this at us months ago. making us feel guilty about him on his death bed, Actually he was fine. Yes he is dying, but not on his death bed. In 2015 January he got news of terminal prostate cancer. Nothing to be done. 3 months left. We are over 2 years and yes he is getting weaker.. but hes still

It would be great if you go visit him. He will be so happy. we paid our last visit weeks ago. Said our goodbyes and don't feel the need to return. The girls were never close to him and we saw him once a year , maybe twice . He himself is a LBS. too much hurt and pain. Best avoid.. besides, how does she think they will get there. He lives 2.5 hours away. She didn't ask me to take them. No message to me either. This is her new way of communicating. Guilt messages to the girls.Avoid me.

Its up to you guys if you go or not. i won't tell him you will. I don't want to disappoint him.

She included a picture of him and her sitting at the kitchen table.She gained a lot of weight. Empty look in her eyes and half a smile. She has the biggest smile under normal times. It was hard to look at but it is what it is.

Time to pack the Jeep, load the kayaks and gear. Tomorrow early departure. Cant wait.

[CaliGuy]

Irish you have handled this all about as well as a guy can.

I am amazed at the guilt trips they resort to ... my son mentioned this not long ago, I had to smile and hide the laugh as he explained what she had done and how he took advice I had given him in another situation and applied it to his own mom. "Dad I can not control anything but how I react to things"
Seems your girls have been on that ride, and know how to get off of it all by themselves just like their role model of a father .. with style and grace.

I think her father and his situation... as bad as it is to say.. is a means to try and gain favor with the 'poor me and my situation' cries, I know my MLCr makes these events all about her, her mothers health along with her grandmothers death earlier this year. Thankfully I reached that point of indifference and simply passed along my condolences and made schedule adjustments so her and our son could attend the services.

Nice to see your update is still solid and strong ... I know I need to update myself, its been a bit.

Enjoy the outdoors ... sounds like it will be an amazing trip!

[mirage]

Irish,

I second Cali's post. You have turned a tough situation into a life for yourself you can be proud of and at the same time teaching/showing actions that will benefit your daughters in their interactions with many people as well as their mother down the road.

My kids(now adults for most part) have learned much in dealing with difficult people as well as their mother.

It takes a rock and a roll model who is healthy themselves to show them the wisdom and knowledge they can use themselves.

I commend you.

Mirage

[peacetoday]

Irish

Enjoy the trip, it does sound very fun!

I guess your xw doesn't realize her messages are filled with guilt

maybe she has nothing else to say and she is trying desperately to promote a reconnection with girls,,she just doesn't know how
definitely sad and she keeps trying
the same techniques getting the same results-

No surprise she doesn't look good..
I know my xh picked up high blood pressure as well as various other issues while in MLC,,they usually don't take good care of themselves

[bttrfly]

Hi Irish xoxo
Echoing others here - you continue to handle this so well.
Yeah alcohol adds weight.
The girls have a thorough understanding of what they are dealing with. They will follow your lead.

I wish you all a great vacation stateside ! Take lots of photos! Xoxoxo

[Gordie]

Enjoy your trip with the girls!

You are such a great example of how not to fall for these guilt trips.

[Irish M]

Hi everyone.

well our trip was amazing. Weather was 30% rain and rain it did. actually more at night than in the day so it made for some interesting sounds on the trailer.

we kayaked 4 of the lakes there and i had to portage the kayaks since the girls were having a hard time with all of our gear. I go-pro'd the weekend for a movie i made on youtube. Girls loved it.

As for her guilt trip. i believe like you Cali. we are all indifferent to our MLC'r. It didn't phase us one bit. We didn't even mention her once. We always went there with XW, but now it is our place.

i do have a new chapter. I met someone that i have been seeing more and more. No plans to move her in or me there. We simply enjoy our time together. It started a year ago and i kept it at bay. 2 times a week and never sleep over. The girls don't need that. They have met her and like her. They know we are dating and really like the fact I am not throwing it in their face. No need to.

we will see where it goes. She knows what I went through and knows as well that my next 2 years is solo living with the girls. Her to accept or not. So far so good.

it is weird sometimes giving someone else your heart. My story shouldn't of been like this. But any person including Xw mistreats my girls the way she did, MLC or not. Is off list. Besides , I cant see my XW ever doing the work needed.

No news since the last message from her about her dad. The roommate of her dying dad called me tonight. Updating me on his health. He is doing bad. It;s sad he had to go through this with his wife and now see his daughter do the same. I really wish him peace. he deserves it.