Who's fault is this again? Can I forgive her?

[Irish M]

Hi Everyone. Bttrfly, thank you for the happy fathers days wish.xx
It was an amazing weekend. So many of my friends on FB wrote the most heart felt messages that brought me to tears. They have seen my girls shine through all this and have witnessed XW's , lets say MLC performance.

I also participated in a 6KM Mudrun. Its a run uphill for the most part and 16 military obstacles in mud of course. It was amazing. My girls want to join me next year. So happy.

One point I didn't make yesterday is that on several occasions you have pointed out that W has missed big occasions without any contact for example Christmas and birthdays. Yesterday you could have been writing that she didn't even make contact for yet another big event. That I believe would have been more damaging long term.

Hi Roist :-)
Yes she sent flowers, D16 wants nothing from her such as gifts or letters that are empty. I did email her and said thanks for the flowers. Didn't tell her that D16 threw them away. Just a plain thanks. I did say it's sad she missed out on a special day. Also added that I will need signatures for travel plans soon and I hope I can count on her.

She didn't reply. it's ok. Not expected. She did however email the girls. Wishing them a happy summer, love mom.

So I guess nothing expected until D16 turns 17 end of July.
that's fine.

Your D's suffered more than mine at BD and my youngest D does see her mom for about 5 hours a week. The other three don't because that don't want Any more pain. I understand your daughters reaction and my thoughts are that the only option you had was to dismiss it as quickly as possible with minimum fuss which you seem go have done.

Hi Rd
It's always nice to have your support. Having my D shake it off was the best thing to do. She is so much stronger now and self protection is second nature to her. Shame they had to learn this at a young age especially against their own mother. I agree with you, one day they will have some sort of relationship, time will tell what kind.

I look to you for inspiration in being more present with my own kids and making sure that they do not miss out on any opportunities they would have had if we had remained intact. I'm going to take my S, who loves the outdoors, hiking, white-water rafting, kayaking, and skeet shooting this summer. Not things I'm especially looking forward to (except the rafting) but it is what he deserves. Thank you for the inspiration!

Hi Ownit :-)
I'm so happy you are stepping out of your comfort zone. Those memories you will share with you kids will be forever. If I can inspire 1 person here to be a better parent, support and rock for their kids , I am happy.
Skeet shooting ? really. wow.. that's one I need to add to my to do list :-)

I truly do hope one day your ex takes TRUE accountability for what she has done to your D's. Only then will a relationship be fostered.

Hi Ginger :-)
me too, me too. I agree that only when she puts them first and accepts what she has done could a discussion with them even start. D16 has said it over and over that she won't fall for her games again. Once was enough.

....and I side personal note, something you made me realize......

I had mentioned my mother was mentally ill and pretty much laid a lot of blame on me when I was 17and my dad left. It was all about what I was doing to HER. I think if my mother was still alive and somehow she truly apologized for the pressure and blame she put on me, we would have had somewhat of a good relationship. I just wanted her to stop blaming me and everything else for how she felt and consequences to her actions. That's all I wanted.

And this is probably why I blame myself every time a relationship ends....... Ahhh, those FOO issues.

My heart broke the first time you mentioned this to me, and reading it again i still feel the pain in your words. Its the blame part that is the worst for the children. They already feel like they might have contributed to her running away, her blaming them just emphasizes that. It's a horrible things to have a mother do that to her children. Hugs to you Ginger

As we all know, projection and MLC go together. Those seemingly outrageous statements your exw makes? It's been written that you often can make sense of their statements if you simply you turn the "you" to "I." In which case, your exw would be telling the truth to her kids: "I abandoned you."

Hi HaWho, yes, this I remind the girls of constantly. Projection is a huge issue with her. I truly hope one day she will see it as that and start the work to repair the damage.

This is what makes me 100% sure MLC is a real issue and not some made up thing
too many of them have similar behaviors

Hi Peace :-)
yes its real , I have no doubt either. The sad thing is I see it everywhere now. I see it at work and in my neighborhood. Not sure if its a epidemic but its scary. It's like when I got my jeep, all of a sudden I saw jeeps everywhere lol. I can't help XW but I sure hope I can help my 2 D's from repeating it.

I feel sad that your ex could not be there for your D16's big event. I feel sad for both, your D and her Mom. Your ex is going to face a hard truth one day, and it going to hurt like h#ll to realize that she was not there.

Yes me too Bright. Hi:-).
D16 seems to handle it better and better., She sees the glass half full and she strides to wake up each day not dwelling on negativity. She really is a source of sunshine in my day. D14, shes more Oh well , my moms loss.
Its sad. But we are having a good time living the life we enjoyed before BD and continuing to do the things we enjoy. I'm really lucky.

You're doing well with it. The only thing I would add is that your WAW, more than most, shows some clear signs of mental illness. Perhaps emphasize this to the girls, not to make them have contact, but to help them understand that this has nothing to do with them, she is sick.

Hi KML :-)
yes sadly it was the girls who first told me their mom was not well. She would act very differently, almost paranoid. Pushing furniture in front of the door and assuming she was being followed. This didn't last long though. Then she put a post on her secret FB page of her butt, asking " anyone want to join me for a run" Added a map to our house and her run on google maps. Then she started posting things like" I hate it when the voices in my head go quiet. I never know what those Fckrs are thinking."

The girls witnessed all this as they found her FB way before I did.
They know she is not well. They don't feel sorry or pity her. They just want to avoid her. One day if she wakes up and shows them her old self , or a version of it. I think that will be the opening of discussion.


Lets all keep doing what we are doing. Worst thing tho do is sit back and let life pass by.

Hugs to you all. Thank you for the amazing support and words of wisdom.
Irish