Thank you. I feel sad too. You are correct tho--when it comes to finding tools to work through things, because otherwise we wouldn't ever need or find them, and perhaps the M can just go on blindly. I like to call these silver linings. They are there, but we have to allow ourselves to see them.
The thing is, the piecing process is not all that fruitful. It is a lot of 2 steps forward, 3 steps back. It takes a lot of GRIT! I have to exercise constant self restraint because the triggers come and my primal self wants to grab a spear and charge! I have never raised a finger at anyone, but there is this overwhelming sense of pain/frustration that is indescribable. I can't open the tool box when these things hit. I just have to wait.
You see, it was not just the fantasy or innocence of H that I want back. There was an element of respect and trust too. I see so many wonderful qualities in him, but without those there is nothing right?
You say that even if this doesn't work, then I will be better than before. Well, I guess that is up to me isn't it? I don't want to be a victim and just look at his mistakes. He told me in an argument last week that if I leave him, I will eventually look at myself and regret it ... ummmm what?... He hurled that in anger, but I guess I should think about that some more ...
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
