Thank you again for your timely and thoughtful reply. (as you can see I still am terrible at the use of quotations) Okay so maybe I need to find this other Ted Talk. The one I saw highlights how common infidelity is. I find that depressing. I have had friends tell me "at least you know everything," or "I would not be surprised if there were things about my H I didn't know. I wouldn't want to know that!" Why does that make me so sad? I feel like this little girl who wants to believe in love, which perhaps has some very unrealsitic ideas interwoven in there ... then again, I know people that have what I consider to be a love/monogamy/respect that I DID have. I just don't anymore ...
Her research does show that. You are correct. It can be done. Our MC also told us that not everyone can get through this. All these years later and I still don't know if I am that person. I said for all those years that this was my only deal breaker ... and here I am. I am trying to convince myself of something that I never saw as possible. So you ask what have I done? Well I was in IC, we went to MC, we both have read a couple books, we attended Retrouvaille (but have not completed), and the most obvious, which is reading/posting here. Not sure I can list the books here, but I have found them to be good and helpful.
You tell me the H that I idealized is flawed. You are correct! I would say more than flawed tho. The behavior was extreme tho, wasn't it? Even my nonemotional, more logical, brain has trouble wrapping my mind around how a person can do what he did. He lied to me for 8 mos, had an A with a "friend" and then picked up and left me for her for 10 mos. This was right after my father died. During that time my bipolar teen went downhill in a severe way--running away, drugs--and I had to send her to treatment out of state for 1.5 years. It still blows my mind what I went through. How can you say you love a person and turn your back on them in that way???
So that is not just a flaw, is it? Okay so he is back, has all the remorse, etc, but I still go back to "but you did THAT to me, to us, to the kids," and it doesn't go away. So even though we have worked through things, I have come to realize that I don't have the bandwidth to handle/accept those other (smaller) "flaws." Basically I am still a bitter, scorned woman. Yup. That's me.
Do I have someone else real or in fantasy in mind? No. Not at all. I was alone when I met H, and even had a child, and I think I would have been okay. I am not afraid of being alone. I also think I would meet someone else eventually. But I can't afford my lifestyle, community, kids' schools, and what I provide for my kids if I were alone. I also know it would tear them up if we split. I watched it happen! So basically I am stuck right now anyhow.
Is my M a tapestry? I don't know. I can't see clearly. I think I could see both perspectives when I shift my thinking a bit. Like I said, I am not in a good place. His mother died a few weeks ago. I recall you saying how when your H's mother died, that something changed. ... I loved my MIL so, so much. She was a wonderful grandmother. And as different as we were on the surface, we are also pretty fierce in the same ways. Her H did the exact same sequence of events as my H, just several years before--had an A with a friend, left her for the A, was severely depressed, came back--and her son (my H) was her main support! Then this jackhole does the same thing to me just 5 or so years later. Crazy? Or expected? I don't even know.
So my H has been saying how I am a wonderful support for everyone in my life except him. So here he is grieving the loss of his mother and he feels alone. I should feel more compassion and love for him. I don't feel that way. Perhaps that makes me bad person ... I keep thinking about how I wasn't even able to be present for my father during his death because of the constant gaslighting during Hs A (when I didn't know). And then my father died. A couple mos later the A came to light. Then he left me. ...
People say to leave the past in the past. I get that. I am not dumb. But I can't. It doesn't feel right. None of it feels right. I can't seem to get my logical brain back in the drivers seat these days. I went on a long walk somewhere beautiful today to clear my head. By the end of my walk I was seething with contempt towards H and all the things he has recently said and done that has rubbed me the wrong way. ... this does not a marriage make ...
I feel triggered. Stuck. Suffocated. Good news is I know these feelings won't last. They never do. Time. All I can do is self soothe. Shelf them. Think. More time. Have I shared too much? Perhaps. Don't have much else to lose at this point. So what is the take home message folks? You may get your S back. But this chit is HARD :-(
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
