WH came back. Piecing. Past the 2 year mark ...

[Stormchaser]

I have been thinking more and more about separation. Everything has changed in the past several weeks. Even having had that genuine and solid glimmer of hope does not motivate me.

I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like had he never come back. And it's not that I don't think it COULD work, it's that I don't know if this is what I want anymore.

So after the betrayal, all those little things that didn't matter so much, now have me thinking second, third, and fourth thoughts about him.

The things have that have been coming up (big and small) just feel like deal breakers. They are telling about fundamentally who he is. Or are they? I can't say right now. I can't.

So here I am--the one that has the returned and remorseful H, and honestly I question it all. The only thing that gives me pause is that I understand that decisions take time. Big decisions deserve time, processing, thinking, and then a little more time.

I am not in a good place right now...
Blu

I'm so sorry, Blu.

If its any consolation, I feel exactly the same way lately.

My W had an event recently where she up on a stage. Everyone complimented me on how beautiful she was. How lucky I am to have her. She even praised ME in front of hundreds of people. Told an entire crowd how she wouldn't be where she was if it wasn't for me.

And I loved it. I felt great. Except for when I got home and started feeling dull again. Like I'm here for HER, not for ME.

I mentioned to my IC about how bad I've been feeling. He said its very typical for PTSD, how the event doesn't bother you at first, but then later, the thoughts, the images - the thought of her kissing OM never entered my mind when I first found out, but now it wakes me up in a cold sweat.

I have what everyone wants, a remorseful regretful spouse that now treats me like a king. But that innocence is SO gone. I said to my IC, "if I ever imagined us splitting, it would NEVER be about infidelity - hell, I'm so flirty at work sometimes that I worried about ME - but I always thought it would be about money, raising the kids differently, religion (my wife is religious, I am not). Now that I know she's capable of cheating, it just ruined everything"

The sad part - I don't think I'll ever trust anyone ever again. So, do I go on staying married to the person I will never trust, or find someone else that I will never trust?

Plus the fact, I still regret the bad therapy I had - the stupid IC and MC who both said it was ok for my W to continue working with OM. I wish I had balls enough to stand up back then and force the issue, at least I'd respect myself more.

Damn this. I finally have the marriage I've dreamed of. But at what cost?

BUT - this is not all doom and gloom. I will keep trying and keep trying. I know of people that HAVE recovered several years later. Lots of people. I desperately want to stick this out. I do have more good days than bad. Its only been a year and a half. Next year may bring more good days. I'm not getting any younger, but I'm getting better. Perhaps a shot at Retrouaville, maybe another MC down the road.

My IC says I need to still process this but he's positive. We know its ME with the problem now. My W wants to help, but she readily admits she doesn't know how. But at least she's honest.

I admire people who can just move past this like it was nothing. Its forgotten about and never discussed again.

I wonder how Txhubby is doing, too.