GF is stronger, smarter, and more mature than I am. She's fine with giving me time, but "taking a break" and "time" mean exactly that. I'm not allowed to talk to her until I figure my stuff out and decide what I actually want.
The way she phrased it was something along the lines of "You know I love you, you know I want you, but I'm not going to let you do to me what other people have done and are doing to you."
I keep hearing from you guys that "broken attracts broken" but that sure as hell sounds like a strong, healthy boundary to me! I will reiterate my question: why am I walking away from this? I don't want to. At all! I don't want a band-aid, either. I had a friend actually yell at me about this yesterday, asking me what the hell I thought I was doing walking away from this, because from where SHE was sitting, this looked real.
I haven't given up on GAL activities. I still play soccer. I'm still losing weight, even if my pace has slowed a bit (at about 80 lbs). I took another cooking class (with GF--seemed like a double win, great date AND something that improved me!)
I'm still trying to be the best EastTN I can be. Being a good dad. I've been a lousy boyfriend for the last week, but my problems are soluble. I know what to work on, and even HOW to work on it. I'm still afraid of that work, but I have one hell of a reason to do it (being whole for my daughter).
I've gotten advice to "date myself." Well, he and I are already pretty damned intimate. I've been living inside my head for my whole life. It's a rare day when I don't understand myself. Brutal shocks like I've suffered this year always make me loopy, but I recover pretty quickly. If I can face my fear, and face my pain, then I'm on the right path.
That's what's missing. Acceptance. I've said it over and over but haven't accepted it. Not really. Vapo called me out on that months ago. I haven't really accepted things yet.
