Confused As Hell

[cdubbs]

I do have a desire to be more transparent with my life and feelings. Anything you did that turned a switch on? Anything small things that led you to better express yourself?

I think what turned the switch on was the realization of the part I played in the demise of the relationship with my wife. Specifically, a lack of openness. I come from a family of "bottlers". Problems are better swept under the rug, you don't speak up, and you go on doing what you "need to do." I have found that way is not conducive to healthy living. It has hurt my ability to form deep relationships and hurt others who desire to be close to me.

I am not an expert and still am wading in the shallows in terms of emotions and openness. However, I have finally decided to put my feet in the water. I try to feel the emotion just like a wave coming in, letting it wash over me and letting it be pulled back into the sea. I don't run away from the wave to the safety of the sand. I don't try to swim in deep waters I am not yet equipped to handle. Most importantly, I acknowledge the wave is there and it's time with me has a beginning and an end.

That is one thing that has helped, thinking metaphorically related to a scene I can picture or that I understand. Maybe you picture emotion as a cloud passing by over the horizon or a tumbleweed windswept along a dry desert.

Another thing that has helped has been talking to a therapist. I finally found one I can trust and feel comfortable with. He gets paid to listen to me without judgement and provide insight. It has created an environment where I feel safe opening up. That has spilled over into my personal life. I have been more open with my wife with everything except matters of our relationship. She has noticed and she has told me she appreciated me sharing how i felt. I leave the relationship talk for my therapist if I can.

Reading has also helped. I highly recommend the book ... If you are not a reader, buy the audiobook and listen on your commute. Reading personal development books have opened my eyes to make some tweaks in my life and to recognize and stop faulty behavior patterns.

You are not responsible for your emotions, you are responsible for how you decide to act when you feel them.

I hope some of this helped and I'll post if I cross anything that I think may be helpful.